Babies have been on my mind for the past two weeks. Not that any of you really want to know, but I have a really regular period; three days starting around the 9/10th of the month.
I could be pregnant. My period isn't late. Not yet. It should start today or tomorrow. And if it doesn't. Well, my life is fucked and I have to think about options.
Option 1. Have a baby.
See, I can't do that because I vowed never to make my mother's mistakes and I'm sure as hell not going to marry the one afternoon stand/mistake I slept with. I would disappoint my mother, my family and every single one of my friends. And then there's "him." If he thought I was a slut, he'd never go out with me. And then I may have to just shoot myself in the head. 'Cause I think I might love him. I can't think of anything he could ask me that I wouldn't want to do for him. And I hate being like that. I supremely hate being like that.
Option 2. Have a baby and put it up.
See the above argument. Putting a baby up for an adoption isn't going to change any of that shit up there.
Option 3. The unspeakable.
I've never thought myself capable of having an abortion. And now I'm thinking seriously about it. And I haven't even missed my period yet. But I can't have a baby. As much as I want one. Not only would it fuck my entire life up...but...depression, anxiety; that shit is genetic. Can I really pass all the crap inside me onto another life? If I were married and living comfortably, I might think about it, but not now.
I'm not having a baby. Period or no period.
But please God. Please let me start my period. Please forgive me for sinning and making the mistakes I've made. I know I have to live with what I've done and take responsibility, but please God, don't make me put a baby through what I went through as a child. Don't give me the responsibility of being a single mother, because if I have a baby, I won't be able to give it up. Please help, let, make my period start soon. Please let it not starting now be some sort of hormone thing from living with my mother. Please God. Please.
Lizzie Arlen
Friday, July 10, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Natalie
I really feel like talking about some of the background of 'Natalie' that goes on inside my head. She is a girl with a lot of issues and, although I've, fortunately, never had the experience of being abused, I wanted to put a lot of my emotions into her and make her really come alive. And I also love exploring the dynamic of relationships between people.
For example, Natalie and Amy have a very interesting relationship. I wanted to create for Natalie a girl who was almost the polar opposite of her. Natalie is a very white girl, she has her issues, but she's sort of a cookie-cutter looking girl, very pretty and soft, but she looks like a girl who would be very popular. Amy is much darker looking, more exotic with dark hair, dark skin and dark eyes. She's not a girl who is typically beautiful, she has more of a unique, awkward beauty to her. And she's very opposite to Natalie in the family dynamic; she gets practically no attention, wheras Natalie got attention, but it was the wrong kind and there was way too much of it. I wanted Amy to be a very supportive character, who ends up needing that support right back at the end. And I wanted her situation to be one that was very hard for Natalie to understand, because she would have killed for a family dynamic like Amy has.
Natalie's relationship with her mother is also a very interesting one. There's a lot of resentment and anger and frustration brewing within Natalie toward her mother. There are a lot of moments where she just doesn't understand how her mother could have let happen the things she let happen. But inside that anger toward her mother, there's a bit of anger at herself for not being able to stop it, even though she was very young.
In all my stories, I like to include people who have influenced my life, for better or worse, and Natalie has a large number of these people. I'm not particularly good at coming up with original characters (I've actually written several of these abuse stories, and this is really the first one I thought was worthy of posting), so I tend to use people I know as models for my characters. Janet, Josh, Aidan, Allan, and even the teacher that is seen from time to time all have a bit of people that I know. I actually had a bigger plan for said teacher in this story. She had her base in my high school history teacher, a woman who played a big role in my sophomore and junior years of high school. She really tried to drag me out of the tunnel of depression with very little success, I didn't make her attempts very easy and I really resented her, at the time, for trying to help, I really just wanted to be left alone to deal with my issues myself. Anyway, I really had a bigger plan for this teacher in the story, but I thought it would be just too much to write. Not that I couldn't do it, I thought there would be too much going on, too many relationships to uphold. In real life, its much easier to have so many people that you can talk to and rely on for support, but writing it is more complicated because one more person can be so much more information and just overwhelm the reader. I just decided it would be too much.
I'm hoping to wrap up Natalie within 2-5 more chapters, I really think that should take care of finishing it up. However, that is what I was telling myself two chapters ago, I was telling myself that in two chapters I would be done, but that just hasn't happened yet. I'm taking her back to counseling, which I have had problems with in the past. Crazy women psychologists who made my life miserable for two sessions each. And I wanted to resolve that for Natalie as well, I wanted her to find the right guy to talk to just like I have. And there are some other things I wanted to resolve as well. I'm not into spoilers, I'm not willing to tell you what's going to happen, because I kind of consider that a promise, and I've been known in my life to change my mind about an ending, which I've already done twice now, with Natalie.
This is the first story that I've really taken my time writing. With previous projects, I always give myself a deadline and then I rush to complete it. With Natalie, I promised myself that I would take my time writing it. And by no means do I consider what I've posted the final word. I still think this story has a lot of much needed editing and piecing together and added details, but my second draft, I thought, should go up so I could get some feedback on it.
Well, it was wonderful to talk about this story with my non-existent fans! I'm hoping, someday, I'll have access to a scanner so I can share my character sketches of Natalie to you all. I am a little behind schedule on the next chapter, the infamous chapter ten. I always consider the tenth chapter of any given story as a sort of a landmark, it shows me how devoted I am to a particular story. 'Natalie' is--I call her my baby. It's one of the stories I have always longed to write a certain way and this is the closest I've ever come to it. I've written several stories very much like this, with the same idea and the same characters, but with 'Natalie' I found the right approach.
Lizzie Arlen
For example, Natalie and Amy have a very interesting relationship. I wanted to create for Natalie a girl who was almost the polar opposite of her. Natalie is a very white girl, she has her issues, but she's sort of a cookie-cutter looking girl, very pretty and soft, but she looks like a girl who would be very popular. Amy is much darker looking, more exotic with dark hair, dark skin and dark eyes. She's not a girl who is typically beautiful, she has more of a unique, awkward beauty to her. And she's very opposite to Natalie in the family dynamic; she gets practically no attention, wheras Natalie got attention, but it was the wrong kind and there was way too much of it. I wanted Amy to be a very supportive character, who ends up needing that support right back at the end. And I wanted her situation to be one that was very hard for Natalie to understand, because she would have killed for a family dynamic like Amy has.
Natalie's relationship with her mother is also a very interesting one. There's a lot of resentment and anger and frustration brewing within Natalie toward her mother. There are a lot of moments where she just doesn't understand how her mother could have let happen the things she let happen. But inside that anger toward her mother, there's a bit of anger at herself for not being able to stop it, even though she was very young.
In all my stories, I like to include people who have influenced my life, for better or worse, and Natalie has a large number of these people. I'm not particularly good at coming up with original characters (I've actually written several of these abuse stories, and this is really the first one I thought was worthy of posting), so I tend to use people I know as models for my characters. Janet, Josh, Aidan, Allan, and even the teacher that is seen from time to time all have a bit of people that I know. I actually had a bigger plan for said teacher in this story. She had her base in my high school history teacher, a woman who played a big role in my sophomore and junior years of high school. She really tried to drag me out of the tunnel of depression with very little success, I didn't make her attempts very easy and I really resented her, at the time, for trying to help, I really just wanted to be left alone to deal with my issues myself. Anyway, I really had a bigger plan for this teacher in the story, but I thought it would be just too much to write. Not that I couldn't do it, I thought there would be too much going on, too many relationships to uphold. In real life, its much easier to have so many people that you can talk to and rely on for support, but writing it is more complicated because one more person can be so much more information and just overwhelm the reader. I just decided it would be too much.
I'm hoping to wrap up Natalie within 2-5 more chapters, I really think that should take care of finishing it up. However, that is what I was telling myself two chapters ago, I was telling myself that in two chapters I would be done, but that just hasn't happened yet. I'm taking her back to counseling, which I have had problems with in the past. Crazy women psychologists who made my life miserable for two sessions each. And I wanted to resolve that for Natalie as well, I wanted her to find the right guy to talk to just like I have. And there are some other things I wanted to resolve as well. I'm not into spoilers, I'm not willing to tell you what's going to happen, because I kind of consider that a promise, and I've been known in my life to change my mind about an ending, which I've already done twice now, with Natalie.
This is the first story that I've really taken my time writing. With previous projects, I always give myself a deadline and then I rush to complete it. With Natalie, I promised myself that I would take my time writing it. And by no means do I consider what I've posted the final word. I still think this story has a lot of much needed editing and piecing together and added details, but my second draft, I thought, should go up so I could get some feedback on it.
Well, it was wonderful to talk about this story with my non-existent fans! I'm hoping, someday, I'll have access to a scanner so I can share my character sketches of Natalie to you all. I am a little behind schedule on the next chapter, the infamous chapter ten. I always consider the tenth chapter of any given story as a sort of a landmark, it shows me how devoted I am to a particular story. 'Natalie' is--I call her my baby. It's one of the stories I have always longed to write a certain way and this is the closest I've ever come to it. I've written several stories very much like this, with the same idea and the same characters, but with 'Natalie' I found the right approach.
Lizzie Arlen
Monday, June 22, 2009
What's New
Well, what is new?
Summer is new, that's for sure. I was really excited for summer in May. I could not wait for the school year to be over. I wanted away from PLU, away from my insane roommate and back home to the familiar, the safe, and the quiet. I assumed it would be stress free. I was completely wrong.
Amy is leaving Mountain View and since she announced, six people have come up to me to ask how I was doing with the news, thinking I would take it particularly hard. It's true that I love Amy; she's done a lot for me and I would be a different person with out her. I might also be dead with out her, but that's another story. I cried for a day and then I moved on. I thought to myself, "This is a woman who has supported you throughout whatever you've done and gone through. Now she's entering a new phase in her life and you can either be upset by it, or you can do what she's done for you and support her, despite the fact that you don't love what she's going to do." And now I think to myself, "God, you have long thoughts." I feel myself pulling away from her, in preparation. A movement so that when she leaves, it won't hurt as much. But I'm trying not to. I owe her feeling and a great number of other things and pulling emotionally away from her won't help in the long run. It's not like there's any way to say thank you (except, of course, for saying thank you) to her for what she's done. It's more a blow in the stomach to the church than to me. I know I will still talk to her and know her. My church may go a long time without seeing talent like hers grace the building, let alone be hired there.
I was invited to a meeting at the church for a temporary summer plan for once she's gone. When I got the message, I thought about it really hard. I wasn't sure I wanted anything to do with church music once Amy left, I'm still not sure. But I can't dwell anymore than anyone else can. It won't do any good and at this point all there can be is forward movement. It's bad enough there's something in my past haunting me, dwelling on things I can't change won't help. The meeting was chaotic. I walked in ready to demand anything I needed to demand. Attention, the floor, anything. I said maybe two words. There was nothing I could do to change the way it was going. It's not my church program anymore. And I'm slowly starting to think that once Amy leaves I will start to drift away. It's my church and I hate to think of my leaving because of someone. I promised years ago no one would drive me out of my church, not when I had clear seniority. But in this case? I don't even know how I feel. After this summer I may never sing in church again.
On top of that, I'm talking to my sister. I spent years thinking about them; what they were like, what were their names...I say them, but I'm only talking to one. Three sisters, one chosen. She looks like me. Tells me I look like my father. I look at her, spitting image, according to her. I look at myself, I look like her, ergo...Well that's that, huh? I spent years wondering, afraid, really. I thought if I looked like my father, my mother wouldn't love me. I thought she wouldn't be able to stand looking at me. Too many bad memories. But if it happened, I didn't notice. I'm paranoid.
She and I are a lot alike, in more than looks. A fellow love of all animals, especially dogs, even her voice sounds like mine. Not that I've talked to her. Her writing voice reminds me of my own, though she claims to be deficient in those skills. She has the same eyes. But darker hair. I imagine she has curly hair as well and straightens like I do.
So that's what's new. Mostly. There are some things in my personal life which I won't share, not on the internet.
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away."--Strawberry Gashes
Stay beautiful
Summer is new, that's for sure. I was really excited for summer in May. I could not wait for the school year to be over. I wanted away from PLU, away from my insane roommate and back home to the familiar, the safe, and the quiet. I assumed it would be stress free. I was completely wrong.
Amy is leaving Mountain View and since she announced, six people have come up to me to ask how I was doing with the news, thinking I would take it particularly hard. It's true that I love Amy; she's done a lot for me and I would be a different person with out her. I might also be dead with out her, but that's another story. I cried for a day and then I moved on. I thought to myself, "This is a woman who has supported you throughout whatever you've done and gone through. Now she's entering a new phase in her life and you can either be upset by it, or you can do what she's done for you and support her, despite the fact that you don't love what she's going to do." And now I think to myself, "God, you have long thoughts." I feel myself pulling away from her, in preparation. A movement so that when she leaves, it won't hurt as much. But I'm trying not to. I owe her feeling and a great number of other things and pulling emotionally away from her won't help in the long run. It's not like there's any way to say thank you (except, of course, for saying thank you) to her for what she's done. It's more a blow in the stomach to the church than to me. I know I will still talk to her and know her. My church may go a long time without seeing talent like hers grace the building, let alone be hired there.
I was invited to a meeting at the church for a temporary summer plan for once she's gone. When I got the message, I thought about it really hard. I wasn't sure I wanted anything to do with church music once Amy left, I'm still not sure. But I can't dwell anymore than anyone else can. It won't do any good and at this point all there can be is forward movement. It's bad enough there's something in my past haunting me, dwelling on things I can't change won't help. The meeting was chaotic. I walked in ready to demand anything I needed to demand. Attention, the floor, anything. I said maybe two words. There was nothing I could do to change the way it was going. It's not my church program anymore. And I'm slowly starting to think that once Amy leaves I will start to drift away. It's my church and I hate to think of my leaving because of someone. I promised years ago no one would drive me out of my church, not when I had clear seniority. But in this case? I don't even know how I feel. After this summer I may never sing in church again.
On top of that, I'm talking to my sister. I spent years thinking about them; what they were like, what were their names...I say them, but I'm only talking to one. Three sisters, one chosen. She looks like me. Tells me I look like my father. I look at her, spitting image, according to her. I look at myself, I look like her, ergo...Well that's that, huh? I spent years wondering, afraid, really. I thought if I looked like my father, my mother wouldn't love me. I thought she wouldn't be able to stand looking at me. Too many bad memories. But if it happened, I didn't notice. I'm paranoid.
She and I are a lot alike, in more than looks. A fellow love of all animals, especially dogs, even her voice sounds like mine. Not that I've talked to her. Her writing voice reminds me of my own, though she claims to be deficient in those skills. She has the same eyes. But darker hair. I imagine she has curly hair as well and straightens like I do.
So that's what's new. Mostly. There are some things in my personal life which I won't share, not on the internet.
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away."--Strawberry Gashes
Stay beautiful
Lizzie
Friday, May 29, 2009
The Truth About Self Injury?
The Truth About Self-Injury
So...I found this online, and I was somewhat curious, so I thought I would embed it here, since I don't actually have time to read it at this moment.
Lizzie Arlen
So...I found this online, and I was somewhat curious, so I thought I would embed it here, since I don't actually have time to read it at this moment.
Lizzie Arlen
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
LIMINALITY
The definition as it appears on Wikipedia:
Liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning "a threshold"[1]) is a psychological, neurological, or metaphysical subjective, conscious state of being on the "threshold" of or between two different existential planes, as defined in neurological psychology (a "liminal state") and in the anthropological theories of ritual by such writers as Arnold van Gennep, Victor Turner[2], and others.[citations needed] In the anthropological theories, a ritual, especially a rite of passage, involves some change to the participants, especially their social status.[3]
The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy.[citations needed] One's sense of identity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. Liminality is a period of transition where normal limits to thought, self-understanding, and behavior are relaxed - a situation which can lead to new perspectives.[citations needed]
People, places, or things may not complete a transition, or a transition between two states may not be fully possible. Those who remain in a state between two other states may become permanently liminal.[citations needed]
I know its sort of a weird post, but it says what I need it to say.
What brought this up? It's sort of hard to explain. If I understood every thought that went through my mind, life would be much different.
Lizzie Arlen
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Starting to feel it...
Feel what you ask?
I'm not actually sure. But I sure do feel something. Stress, anxiety, worry, depression. I can't really sleep at night without taking a nyquil. Then I can sleep okay. I only have like, a week or so more of school. I'm looking forward to it.
I'm looking forward to getting away from school and from my crazy friends (except Ashley). I'm looking forward to never living with Angela again. I'm looking forward to less stress. I'm looking forward to being alone the majority of the time.
I feel sick inside.
What's wrong with me?
Something is wrong with me. I just don't know. I feel sick. My head hurts, and sometimes I feel incapable of smiling.
I feel selfish too. I'm not the only one going through a shitty time. Ashley's having problems too, you know? I want to be there for her, but I feel like such a failure all the time that I feel like I'm not fit to help her through this. I feel like I'm just gonna fuck it up.
I always feel like I'm going to infect people around me with whatever's wrong with me. Does that make sense? No. But its how I feel. I'm afraid that the fact that I'm depressed makes Ashley sad and I don't want her to be sad. That would suck. I mean, more sad than she already is. I hate this whole thing.
I keep having this vision of myself. Drenched in all this blood and it isn't my blood. Not this time. This time, the blood belongs to someone else. Some one I've killed. But I haven't killed anyone. I'm just drenched in it. Head to toe.
What's wrong with me?
Lizzie Arlen
I'm not actually sure. But I sure do feel something. Stress, anxiety, worry, depression. I can't really sleep at night without taking a nyquil. Then I can sleep okay. I only have like, a week or so more of school. I'm looking forward to it.
I'm looking forward to getting away from school and from my crazy friends (except Ashley). I'm looking forward to never living with Angela again. I'm looking forward to less stress. I'm looking forward to being alone the majority of the time.
I feel sick inside.
What's wrong with me?
Something is wrong with me. I just don't know. I feel sick. My head hurts, and sometimes I feel incapable of smiling.
I feel selfish too. I'm not the only one going through a shitty time. Ashley's having problems too, you know? I want to be there for her, but I feel like such a failure all the time that I feel like I'm not fit to help her through this. I feel like I'm just gonna fuck it up.
I always feel like I'm going to infect people around me with whatever's wrong with me. Does that make sense? No. But its how I feel. I'm afraid that the fact that I'm depressed makes Ashley sad and I don't want her to be sad. That would suck. I mean, more sad than she already is. I hate this whole thing.
I keep having this vision of myself. Drenched in all this blood and it isn't my blood. Not this time. This time, the blood belongs to someone else. Some one I've killed. But I haven't killed anyone. I'm just drenched in it. Head to toe.
What's wrong with me?
Lizzie Arlen
Monday, April 27, 2009
Is It a Good Idea to Microwave This?
Hey guys.
So, I've been occuping all my extra time (spent avoiding the next Chapter of Natalie because of the nature of the things going into chapter 8) watching a show on youtube called Is It a Good Idea to Microwave this? Where they have, like, 500 episodes of microwaving random crap and seeing what happens. It's pretty funny if you have some time to blow. My favorite is Ivory soap, because it did not do what I thought it would.
I'm in the middle of reading Pride and Prejudice... and I have about a million books that I want to buy and read.
"The Luckiest Girl in the World" by Stevel Levenkron
"Girl With A Pearl Earring" by Tracy Chevalier
What I have dubbed "That Christopher Isherwood book" because I always forget the name
and "Girl, Interrupted" by Susanna Kayson
I don't know why exactly I feel the need to update the world on what's on my reading list, but why the hell not, right?
As for my writing, Chapter 8 of Natalie is underway, Razor Freak is slowly being written still (yeah, I'm not sure where its going or I'd put some up right now, because I definitly have enough for at least two chapters), Voices in My Head is currently on hold because I really want to get Natalie finished before I undergo a huge project. The rough draft of Voices in My head is completely done (also completely hand written), but it's something I wrote in my sophomore year of high school (and I'm almost beginning my sophomore year of college) it really needs some editing and a much different beginning. The first chapter that is up on my account at fictionpress.com is almost completely new; there's a small tidbit from chapter four of the original (oddly enough) that was part of a flash back and just as soon as I'm finished with Natalie, that will be the next project I pick up.
http://www.fictionpress.com/~elizabetharlen
There's where you can find all my stories, in case you found me through blogger instead of fictionpress.
Let's see...reading, writing, entertainment, I suppose I should cover my personal life.
I told my mom I had started cutting again and she yelled at me. I told Schyuler I didn't call her because I knew she would tell me off. She took it much better than my mother did. Yeah, they are definitely not people to call when I'm sad. They want to be supportive, but they care too much for my well being to care that I'm sad and yell at me for cutting instead. My person is awesome enough to not do that. She listens without judgement, thank God (or at least doesn't make me listen to her judgement).
I kind of felt like doing it yesterday, and I avoided it, so I assume that I will probably feel like doing it today too. So.
Well, I have to get to choir, so I'm gonna publish this and possibly update more later. And certainly much more often.
Lizzie Arlen
So, I've been occuping all my extra time (spent avoiding the next Chapter of Natalie because of the nature of the things going into chapter 8) watching a show on youtube called Is It a Good Idea to Microwave this? Where they have, like, 500 episodes of microwaving random crap and seeing what happens. It's pretty funny if you have some time to blow. My favorite is Ivory soap, because it did not do what I thought it would.
I'm in the middle of reading Pride and Prejudice... and I have about a million books that I want to buy and read.
"The Luckiest Girl in the World" by Stevel Levenkron
"Girl With A Pearl Earring" by Tracy Chevalier
What I have dubbed "That Christopher Isherwood book" because I always forget the name
and "Girl, Interrupted" by Susanna Kayson
I don't know why exactly I feel the need to update the world on what's on my reading list, but why the hell not, right?
As for my writing, Chapter 8 of Natalie is underway, Razor Freak is slowly being written still (yeah, I'm not sure where its going or I'd put some up right now, because I definitly have enough for at least two chapters), Voices in My Head is currently on hold because I really want to get Natalie finished before I undergo a huge project. The rough draft of Voices in My head is completely done (also completely hand written), but it's something I wrote in my sophomore year of high school (and I'm almost beginning my sophomore year of college) it really needs some editing and a much different beginning. The first chapter that is up on my account at fictionpress.com is almost completely new; there's a small tidbit from chapter four of the original (oddly enough) that was part of a flash back and just as soon as I'm finished with Natalie, that will be the next project I pick up.
http://www.fictionpress.com/~elizabetharlen
There's where you can find all my stories, in case you found me through blogger instead of fictionpress.
Let's see...reading, writing, entertainment, I suppose I should cover my personal life.
I told my mom I had started cutting again and she yelled at me. I told Schyuler I didn't call her because I knew she would tell me off. She took it much better than my mother did. Yeah, they are definitely not people to call when I'm sad. They want to be supportive, but they care too much for my well being to care that I'm sad and yell at me for cutting instead. My person is awesome enough to not do that. She listens without judgement, thank God (or at least doesn't make me listen to her judgement).
I kind of felt like doing it yesterday, and I avoided it, so I assume that I will probably feel like doing it today too. So.
Well, I have to get to choir, so I'm gonna publish this and possibly update more later. And certainly much more often.
Lizzie Arlen
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