Three or More...

Hey guys,
So, Chapter 14 of Natalie was just put up yesterday. I've gotten another review from Studentofwords who's eternal phrase is, "Update soon!" Studentofwords, I know you can write! I know you have thoughts! I've read your journal/story on fictionpress (I wrote frictionpress the first time, haha!)! I swear, we'll let you say more than two words! Not that I don't appreciate your input. You obviously like it, or you wouldn't ask for more. Thank you, thank you, thank you! But I would love to know what you think! I believe your thoughts are important! I believe everyone's thoughts are important! Come on guys! We do this to give encouragement and ideas and comments. So let's see 'em!
Anyway. I have to keep addressing this, I know I keep saying that I'm gonna finish 'Natalie' soon. I lied, I'm a big fat liar. Things are coming up, and coming to mind that I never thought would. I'm definately past the point where I know what's coming next. I think only in terms of what the next sentence is and I know the end. So, at this point, its more of how do I get to the end? I'm in no rush. Someone did ask me what my big hurry is. I'm not in a hurry to finish 'Natalie.' I'm taking my time. I'm more excited that I'm past the half-way point and I'm wrapping it up. And I'm excited to edit the full product. This is the first novel I've done that isn't completely handwriten first. I have written 'Natalie' fully on the computer, which I have to say makes me really nervous in case my computer crashes. But it hasn't and I pray it doesn't.
I left chapter fourteen in a cliffhanger, which is something I try to avoid. But I wanted to get this set up properly for what's coming next. There won't be any spoilers here, but Chapter fifteen is gonna be a big event chapter. Some tough shit is gonna go down.
I really am wrapping up 'Natalie.' No really, I swear I am. I really am in the last half and things are gonna start wrapping up. Then all my focus goes to Voices.

Okay, personal notes. Life is good, but it sucks. Does that make sense? Well, I'm cutting and depressed and et cetera. But I'm in therapy for it. I've found a great therapist, he's an awesome dude and I feel great after I see him.

Thats it for now!
Lizzie Arlen

Back to School

So, here I am back at college. Round two. It's me versus my depression and this time I vow to win. I went to see my wonderful counselor today for the first time since the school year started. For all of my 'Natalie' fans (who totally don't come here) this is the man that I (loosely) based Michael Ashby off of. He's a great guy and I always feel good after I see him, which is what I want for Natalie, so I've put her in that place. In the beginning I wanted to stick her, long term, with a bad therapist. But I thought that would just be too unfair. I put myself in her place and in that situation and I practically lose my faith in humanity. And that would go too far against what I want the moral themes in 'Natalie' to be.

I know I haven't updated much, and I apologize for that. I haven't been in much of a writing mood and I just moved back into college last weekend. But I plan to get back on track today, scheduling a little of my time to write each day, setting an hour aside. That's my hope.

Quite honestly, I don't have much to say. Not much has happened lately. I just wanted to give a quick update for anyone who actually reads this, which is probably nobody.

That's all folks!
Lizzie Arlen

Wrapping up, but not really...

I keep saying that I'm going to finish Natalie so soon. Two more chapters, I promise myself. Two then becomes five and then five becomes indefinite. I'm completely anxious to finish so that I can begin revisions of Natalie and start on my next project, which I'm gonna talk a little bit about now.

The first chapter of 'Voices in my Head' is up on fictionpress now. It's a story that is incredibly important to me. I wrote it when I was going through a lot of problems in my life during my Sophomore year of high school. At first it was just sort of a lame idea I had about a crazy chick. I wrote a tentative first chapter as an experiment (and this is handwritten I should say) and in two days I had finished twenty pages. The story finished at 42 pages. It wasn't the longest story I'd written, in fact it was one of the shortest. But it was the best. It was the first piece of prose I'd written that showed any kind of growth in me as a writer.

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. From joint stories with my best friend about the thrilling adventures of Box and Triangle, to fanfiction, to crossover fanfiction to real live fiction. 'Voices in my Head' was my third novel and my best. Therefore I frequently dub it my first baby. (Terribly, I tend to call all my fanfiction stories and even my first piece of true fiction my miscarriages; the babies that just weren't strong enough. Like I said, terrible.)

The story is about a girl named Pamela. She originally had my name (I'm incredibly uncreative with names; most of my protagonists originally share my name with me) but I felt it was inappropriate considering some of the situations I wanted to put her in if I ever wanted anyone I knew to read it. If that makes any sense at all. I got the idea from a book I first picked up in seventh grade by Melenie Rawn (one of my two favorite authors EVER) and after I finished writing my story, I went on to write a companion to it and I'm in the process of writing two more companions to it.

See, the way I wrote it, I left it open for 28 companions to be written, which was my original plan. And I had this great idea that they could be read in any order; that it wouldn't really matter, but if you read them all, you'd get the depth of the whole situation. I don't know if I'll ever get around to writing all 28 companions. The 28 companions actually exclude the one I've finished and the two in progress for reasons that if I ever get around to that project, you'll understand. But if I ever get around to doing any other project besides Natalie, 'Voices in my Head' is first up.

Here's a sort of breakdown of my project plan:
1. 'Natalie' --Natalie is the younger of my two babies ('Voices' is more like a toddler now) so she gets all my developmental attention.
2. 'Voices'--This should be seriously easier than Natalie, because it's completely written, it just needs a lot of revisions.
3. 'Razor Freak' -- This is something I've talked about before in my blogs, hopefully I haven't teased you too much about it. It's going to a project close to my heart because in many ways it's about me and yet not about me. If that makes sense at all.
4. My suicide attempt. --Yeah, I know. So depressing all the time, Lizzie. What is wrong with you? Yeah yeah. I've been wanting to write about my own attempt for quite some time but I want to be able to spend all of my writing time and energy on it. No sense in a half-assed attempt. And, for those wondering, didn't you write that story already? No. I believe it says so, but the 'Suicide Attempt' on fictionpress is not mine. It is entirely fictional. The method is completely different.
5. Nothing specific.--What does that mean? This means I don't have any plans after all that. I will probably find some other big project to work on or I'll brush up a bunch of my short stories (Seriously, I have over 100 notebooks in my room brimming with crappy short stories. They need to be revised and entered.
6. Layla. --Yeah, I thought of my project after that. And it's Layla. Don't ask don't tell. That's my teaser. Just Layla. It's seriously old; I wrote it the same year as 'Voices,' though it came out significantly shorter. It also has a sequel in the making.

Well, maybe someday I'll actually get around to all this stuff. I'd like to say that that's the plan for the next semester of school. But honestly, I just don't know how long 'Natalie' is going to take me and I won't be the ten projects girl. Not this time. 'Natalie' is too damned important to me to let anything else distract me. I will not be tempted.

That's it for today. I've got a story to work on, no? A story to work on. Getting the feeling back in my feet and legs. If you've made it this far and you still actually care...Man, go get a life. Go listen to some Sunset Rubdown while staring at the blue sky lying under a tree and contemplate life as we know it. Go. It's fun, really!

Lizzie Arlen

Not Late Yet...

Babies have been on my mind for the past two weeks. Not that any of you really want to know, but I have a really regular period; three days starting around the 9/10th of the month.

I could be pregnant. My period isn't late. Not yet. It should start today or tomorrow. And if it doesn't. Well, my life is fucked and I have to think about options.

Option 1. Have a baby.
See, I can't do that because I vowed never to make my mother's mistakes and I'm sure as hell not going to marry the one afternoon stand/mistake I slept with. I would disappoint my mother, my family and every single one of my friends. And then there's "him." If he thought I was a slut, he'd never go out with me. And then I may have to just shoot myself in the head. 'Cause I think I might love him. I can't think of anything he could ask me that I wouldn't want to do for him. And I hate being like that. I supremely hate being like that.

Option 2. Have a baby and put it up.
See the above argument. Putting a baby up for an adoption isn't going to change any of that shit up there.

Option 3. The unspeakable.
I've never thought myself capable of having an abortion. And now I'm thinking seriously about it. And I haven't even missed my period yet. But I can't have a baby. As much as I want one. Not only would it fuck my entire life up...but...depression, anxiety; that shit is genetic. Can I really pass all the crap inside me onto another life? If I were married and living comfortably, I might think about it, but not now.

I'm not having a baby. Period or no period.

But please God. Please let me start my period. Please forgive me for sinning and making the mistakes I've made. I know I have to live with what I've done and take responsibility, but please God, don't make me put a baby through what I went through as a child. Don't give me the responsibility of being a single mother, because if I have a baby, I won't be able to give it up. Please help, let, make my period start soon. Please let it not starting now be some sort of hormone thing from living with my mother. Please God. Please.

Lizzie Arlen

Natalie

I really feel like talking about some of the background of 'Natalie' that goes on inside my head. She is a girl with a lot of issues and, although I've, fortunately, never had the experience of being abused, I wanted to put a lot of my emotions into her and make her really come alive. And I also love exploring the dynamic of relationships between people.

For example, Natalie and Amy have a very interesting relationship. I wanted to create for Natalie a girl who was almost the polar opposite of her. Natalie is a very white girl, she has her issues, but she's sort of a cookie-cutter looking girl, very pretty and soft, but she looks like a girl who would be very popular. Amy is much darker looking, more exotic with dark hair, dark skin and dark eyes. She's not a girl who is typically beautiful, she has more of a unique, awkward beauty to her. And she's very opposite to Natalie in the family dynamic; she gets practically no attention, wheras Natalie got attention, but it was the wrong kind and there was way too much of it. I wanted Amy to be a very supportive character, who ends up needing that support right back at the end. And I wanted her situation to be one that was very hard for Natalie to understand, because she would have killed for a family dynamic like Amy has.

Natalie's relationship with her mother is also a very interesting one. There's a lot of resentment and anger and frustration brewing within Natalie toward her mother. There are a lot of moments where she just doesn't understand how her mother could have let happen the things she let happen. But inside that anger toward her mother, there's a bit of anger at herself for not being able to stop it, even though she was very young.

In all my stories, I like to include people who have influenced my life, for better or worse, and Natalie has a large number of these people. I'm not particularly good at coming up with original characters (I've actually written several of these abuse stories, and this is really the first one I thought was worthy of posting), so I tend to use people I know as models for my characters. Janet, Josh, Aidan, Allan, and even the teacher that is seen from time to time all have a bit of people that I know. I actually had a bigger plan for said teacher in this story. She had her base in my high school history teacher, a woman who played a big role in my sophomore and junior years of high school. She really tried to drag me out of the tunnel of depression with very little success, I didn't make her attempts very easy and I really resented her, at the time, for trying to help, I really just wanted to be left alone to deal with my issues myself. Anyway, I really had a bigger plan for this teacher in the story, but I thought it would be just too much to write. Not that I couldn't do it, I thought there would be too much going on, too many relationships to uphold. In real life, its much easier to have so many people that you can talk to and rely on for support, but writing it is more complicated because one more person can be so much more information and just overwhelm the reader. I just decided it would be too much.

I'm hoping to wrap up Natalie within 2-5 more chapters, I really think that should take care of finishing it up. However, that is what I was telling myself two chapters ago, I was telling myself that in two chapters I would be done, but that just hasn't happened yet. I'm taking her back to counseling, which I have had problems with in the past. Crazy women psychologists who made my life miserable for two sessions each. And I wanted to resolve that for Natalie as well, I wanted her to find the right guy to talk to just like I have. And there are some other things I wanted to resolve as well. I'm not into spoilers, I'm not willing to tell you what's going to happen, because I kind of consider that a promise, and I've been known in my life to change my mind about an ending, which I've already done twice now, with Natalie.

This is the first story that I've really taken my time writing. With previous projects, I always give myself a deadline and then I rush to complete it. With Natalie, I promised myself that I would take my time writing it. And by no means do I consider what I've posted the final word. I still think this story has a lot of much needed editing and piecing together and added details, but my second draft, I thought, should go up so I could get some feedback on it.

Well, it was wonderful to talk about this story with my non-existent fans! I'm hoping, someday, I'll have access to a scanner so I can share my character sketches of Natalie to you all. I am a little behind schedule on the next chapter, the infamous chapter ten. I always consider the tenth chapter of any given story as a sort of a landmark, it shows me how devoted I am to a particular story. 'Natalie' is--I call her my baby. It's one of the stories I have always longed to write a certain way and this is the closest I've ever come to it. I've written several stories very much like this, with the same idea and the same characters, but with 'Natalie' I found the right approach.

Lizzie Arlen

What's New

Well, what is new?

Summer is new, that's for sure. I was really excited for summer in May. I could not wait for the school year to be over. I wanted away from PLU, away from my insane roommate and back home to the familiar, the safe, and the quiet. I assumed it would be stress free. I was completely wrong.

Amy is leaving Mountain View and since she announced, six people have come up to me to ask how I was doing with the news, thinking I would take it particularly hard. It's true that I love Amy; she's done a lot for me and I would be a different person with out her. I might also be dead with out her, but that's another story. I cried for a day and then I moved on. I thought to myself, "This is a woman who has supported you throughout whatever you've done and gone through. Now she's entering a new phase in her life and you can either be upset by it, or you can do what she's done for you and support her, despite the fact that you don't love what she's going to do." And now I think to myself, "God, you have long thoughts." I feel myself pulling away from her, in preparation. A movement so that when she leaves, it won't hurt as much. But I'm trying not to. I owe her feeling and a great number of other things and pulling emotionally away from her won't help in the long run. It's not like there's any way to say thank you (except, of course, for saying thank you) to her for what she's done. It's more a blow in the stomach to the church than to me. I know I will still talk to her and know her. My church may go a long time without seeing talent like hers grace the building, let alone be hired there.

I was invited to a meeting at the church for a temporary summer plan for once she's gone. When I got the message, I thought about it really hard. I wasn't sure I wanted anything to do with church music once Amy left, I'm still not sure. But I can't dwell anymore than anyone else can. It won't do any good and at this point all there can be is forward movement. It's bad enough there's something in my past haunting me, dwelling on things I can't change won't help. The meeting was chaotic. I walked in ready to demand anything I needed to demand. Attention, the floor, anything. I said maybe two words. There was nothing I could do to change the way it was going. It's not my church program anymore. And I'm slowly starting to think that once Amy leaves I will start to drift away. It's my church and I hate to think of my leaving because of someone. I promised years ago no one would drive me out of my church, not when I had clear seniority. But in this case? I don't even know how I feel. After this summer I may never sing in church again.

On top of that, I'm talking to my sister. I spent years thinking about them; what they were like, what were their names...I say them, but I'm only talking to one. Three sisters, one chosen. She looks like me. Tells me I look like my father. I look at her, spitting image, according to her. I look at myself, I look like her, ergo...Well that's that, huh? I spent years wondering, afraid, really. I thought if I looked like my father, my mother wouldn't love me. I thought she wouldn't be able to stand looking at me. Too many bad memories. But if it happened, I didn't notice. I'm paranoid.

She and I are a lot alike, in more than looks. A fellow love of all animals, especially dogs, even her voice sounds like mine. Not that I've talked to her. Her writing voice reminds me of my own, though she claims to be deficient in those skills. She has the same eyes. But darker hair. I imagine she has curly hair as well and straightens like I do.

So that's what's new. Mostly. There are some things in my personal life which I won't share, not on the internet.

"Some things you lose and some things you just give away."--Strawberry Gashes

Stay beautiful

Lizzie

The Truth About Self Injury?

The Truth About Self-Injury

Publish at Scribd or explore others: School Work Health & Medicine psychology cutting

So...I found this online, and I was somewhat curious, so I thought I would embed it here, since I don't actually have time to read it at this moment.

Lizzie Arlen