Summer is new, that's for sure. I was really excited for summer in May. I could not wait for the school year to be over. I wanted away from PLU, away from my insane roommate and back home to the familiar, the safe, and the quiet. I assumed it would be stress free. I was completely wrong.
Amy is leaving Mountain View and since she announced, six people have come up to me to ask how I was doing with the news, thinking I would take it particularly hard. It's true that I love Amy; she's done a lot for me and I would be a different person with out her. I might also be dead with out her, but that's another story. I cried for a day and then I moved on. I thought to myself, "This is a woman who has supported you throughout whatever you've done and gone through. Now she's entering a new phase in her life and you can either be upset by it, or you can do what she's done for you and support her, despite the fact that you don't love what she's going to do." And now I think to myself, "God, you have long thoughts." I feel myself pulling away from her, in preparation. A movement so that when she leaves, it won't hurt as much. But I'm trying not to. I owe her feeling and a great number of other things and pulling emotionally away from her won't help in the long run. It's not like there's any way to say thank you (except, of course, for saying thank you) to her for what she's done. It's more a blow in the stomach to the church than to me. I know I will still talk to her and know her. My church may go a long time without seeing talent like hers grace the building, let alone be hired there.
I was invited to a meeting at the church for a temporary summer plan for once she's gone. When I got the message, I thought about it really hard. I wasn't sure I wanted anything to do with church music once Amy left, I'm still not sure. But I can't dwell anymore than anyone else can. It won't do any good and at this point all there can be is forward movement. It's bad enough there's something in my past haunting me, dwelling on things I can't change won't help. The meeting was chaotic. I walked in ready to demand anything I needed to demand. Attention, the floor, anything. I said maybe two words. There was nothing I could do to change the way it was going. It's not my church program anymore. And I'm slowly starting to think that once Amy leaves I will start to drift away. It's my church and I hate to think of my leaving because of someone. I promised years ago no one would drive me out of my church, not when I had clear seniority. But in this case? I don't even know how I feel. After this summer I may never sing in church again.
On top of that, I'm talking to my sister. I spent years thinking about them; what they were like, what were their names...I say them, but I'm only talking to one. Three sisters, one chosen. She looks like me. Tells me I look like my father. I look at her, spitting image, according to her. I look at myself, I look like her, ergo...Well that's that, huh? I spent years wondering, afraid, really. I thought if I looked like my father, my mother wouldn't love me. I thought she wouldn't be able to stand looking at me. Too many bad memories. But if it happened, I didn't notice. I'm paranoid.
She and I are a lot alike, in more than looks. A fellow love of all animals, especially dogs, even her voice sounds like mine. Not that I've talked to her. Her writing voice reminds me of my own, though she claims to be deficient in those skills. She has the same eyes. But darker hair. I imagine she has curly hair as well and straightens like I do.
So that's what's new. Mostly. There are some things in my personal life which I won't share, not on the internet.
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away."--Strawberry Gashes
Stay beautiful
Lizzie
