A Quick Update

Hey my fictional fans!
Okay, I know its been forever since I've updated 'Natalie,' which is sad...I've been very busy with college lately and a lot of personal and financial stress-ers. I am working on the next chapter of 'Natalie,' but it's going a little slower than I had originally hoped it would, because I'm at a place where I could take it several places and I'm trying to decide which one is the best for the flow of the story and for Natalie.
On another note, it's hugely early, but my roommie and I have started to put Christmas decorations up. Now, normally, I'm a stickler on Christmas; "Celebrate one holiday at a time, let's finish Thanksgiving before we start Christmas." But with so much stress on my mind, and some of Ashley's added insistence, I've been feeling the need for something cheery, and the lights and the Christmas music are really helping to lighten my mood. So, I've given in for the sake of sanity, I suppose. We strung up the lights and the wreath today and the room looks really beautiful! Basically, the entire room is lit up; we don't need regular lights even at 7:32 at night when its pitch black outside.
My low mood is basically due to a horrifying experience I had with a psychiatrist this last Thursday. I've never felt more invaded in my entire life. She did her best to pry her way into my mind, told me about six different disorders I could have and then recommended a medication that will aggrivate one of the possible disorders should I have it, making me irritable, anxious and more depressed. So, I've had that day heavily on my mind and I just can't wait until session on Tuesday to talk to my guy about it. It was really the most uncomfortable I've ever felt and I found myself thinking, "If I just hit my head against this table here...will this moment go away?" I wanted to run out of that room. I even came close to crying, which I do not do in front of people. But I know my therapist will be rather understanding. For 'Natalie' readers, I think I've said it before, but Michael Ashby is based off him. In fact, before I started seeing this therapist, Ashby was not in the game plan in that story.
I've also been doing some work on 'Razor Freak,' though its extremely slow going. I'm trying to get some material ready for when I finish 'Natalie,' which, I know I say it all the time, really is beginning to wrap up, though we still have a lot to get to. I just want to have a lot of things to work on for fictionpress.com.
Well, that's all for now, I have a piano concert to attend tonight. I hope everyone's doing well and staying healthy.
Lizzie Arlen

A Rough Week

So, homecoming was awesome. No details needed.
This week is going to be a little hard for me, because I don't have therapy this week, my guy is booked solid. But I have the next three weeks after that scheduled and that gives me some hope! I don't completely know how I'll make it, but I'm trying to stay optimistic.
Plus, he's asked me to think about pills. As in anti-depressants. I find this somewhat ironic that as I'm writing about this girl's battle with anxiety medication addiction and I'm being asked to think about going on pills myself. I actually just put that together and I'm totally smiling at how strange that is.
One of my pastors and I have been fighting off and on for a week about whether or not I'm going to hell for my self-injurious habits. And my mother is so un-supportive its not even funny. I understand where she's coming from in that I'm her only daughter and I will always be her only daughter and it kills her inside to see me hurt myself. But its hard for me to make it through life without doing that right now, which she can't understand. I haven't told her I'm back in therapy, because for some reason, that freaks her out. Like some sort of confirmation that I'm crazy. Whatever.
In happy news...I have over 1,000 hits on 'Natalie'! 1,000! That is just such an incredible number, my heart just soars, as cliche as that is! In celebration, I'm putting up one chapter of 'Razor Freak,' the project I've been working on for a long time that I haven't shared with anyone yet. I doubt it will be at all popular, let alone as popular as 'Natalie,' but I'm hoping, just maybe, some of 'Natalie's' fans will see I've uploaded something new and take a look at it. I'm really excited about putting some of it up. It's much closer to being my story (and still, none of it actually happened to me) because I use my direct experiences with self-injury and the feelings I have to mold the imagery. It's really hard for me to do because I find remembering it and writing it mildly triggering and I've promised myself not to cut on a trigger that my writing has caused. It's weird, but its me.
I'm doing some beta reading on my other account that has all the stories I'm embarrassed about, but its my past and I didn't want to just take them down. Its a great story about the quest for the Holy Grail and as soon as I'm finished with this blog, I'm going to finish up chapters 9 and 10.
School is rough. Homework is easy, but the classes are killing me with the amount of easy homework; its just taking too damn long! And because of this I keep having to put my writing off.
I am however excited; my boys are coming over on Thursday to see me and hang for a few hours. I don't have a fucking clue what we'll do, but it oughta be fun!
That's all I really have time for! Hopefully next time, I'll have more of 'Natalie' worked out and I can talk about that and 'Razor Freak' and something. I don't know.
Lizzie Arlen

So, I'm going to homecoming tonight. It's a very interesting situation for me. Let me explain. My best friend, Daniel is going with my roommate, Ashley (And Dani is gay). My friend Julia is setting me up with her friend Chris (who I've never met or seen) and a bunch of my other friends are going. I'm getting more and more excited for this, being as its at the Tacoma Art Museum and all the exhibits are going to be open! I love art, I love paintings! So I'm super excited and I'm hoping that Chris is a nice guy and will go see all the art with me. I really don't want to ditch him because he's a jackass or a douche, so I'm hoping it goes well.
I'm going all out, doing my hair and my make up (more than I usually do) and I'm really trying to impress this guy. I doubt it would turn out to be anything, because I'm not really looking for a relationship with anyone other than this one guy I like. I sort of have my sights set on this guy and I don't want to be in a relationship in case he ever gets up the nerve to ask me out.
In other news, 'Natalie' is coming along well, I think. I'm finally getting back on track and I'm able to write her again, which is great! I've been having sporadic bouts of Writer's Block which is highly annoying. But I think this week I'll be really using 'Natalie' to outlet some of my stress, because I don't have therapy this week, I have to wait a week, which is going to be really hard for me, I live my weeks for therapy. But I have the next three weeks after that scheduled so I don't get messed up with that again.
I feel that I'm starting to open up in session and I'm starting to put some trust in my guy. It's very hard for me to share and to hear some of the things he tells me, but I know that it's helping me learn and grow and that's very important for me right now. So I'm feeling much better about life!
The encouragement I'm getting on my writing on fictionpress and from friends is really helping my confidence. I'm hoping to get 'Natalie' finished at the latest by early February; and that's just my first draft. Then I'll be doing a quick full edit and sending that out to several friends. I want to get a lot of different opinions on this because I hope I might publish it someday. So, I'm thinking I'll send it to my best friend Schyuler, my best friend Dani, Barry, Melissa (if she'll read my depressing story), and others. I'm very interested in how very different people will percieve this story and they changes they would like to see made. so, I'm very excited for that.
Then my work for 'Voices' begins. I want to rework the first chapter (even though that is very reworked from the original). I think it'll be much longer than 'Natalie' and may have companion books. The way I'd originally thought to do it was to have the original and then having, literally, 30 plus companion books and do a huge series. Except I don't think they'd be that popular; its the kind of thing only a handful of people would be interested in. And really, I do background stories, because I find that kind of stuff really interesting. Not that anyone else cares. But I have some great ideas for 'Voices' and I'm totally stoked to work on it again. It was my first true novel. I wrote it in my sophomore year of highschool; twenty handwritten pages in about two days. There are a lot of things I have to fix and change just because I wrote it so long ago.
So, it's about 5:00pm and Dani should be getting here any moment, I'm really excited for him to get here so we can have someone totally awesome to talk to while we get ready. Ashely's already halfway there, she's got her make up on (for that matter, so do I, though I need to touch it up).

Got to go!
Lizzie Arlen

Three or More...

Hey guys,
So, Chapter 14 of Natalie was just put up yesterday. I've gotten another review from Studentofwords who's eternal phrase is, "Update soon!" Studentofwords, I know you can write! I know you have thoughts! I've read your journal/story on fictionpress (I wrote frictionpress the first time, haha!)! I swear, we'll let you say more than two words! Not that I don't appreciate your input. You obviously like it, or you wouldn't ask for more. Thank you, thank you, thank you! But I would love to know what you think! I believe your thoughts are important! I believe everyone's thoughts are important! Come on guys! We do this to give encouragement and ideas and comments. So let's see 'em!
Anyway. I have to keep addressing this, I know I keep saying that I'm gonna finish 'Natalie' soon. I lied, I'm a big fat liar. Things are coming up, and coming to mind that I never thought would. I'm definately past the point where I know what's coming next. I think only in terms of what the next sentence is and I know the end. So, at this point, its more of how do I get to the end? I'm in no rush. Someone did ask me what my big hurry is. I'm not in a hurry to finish 'Natalie.' I'm taking my time. I'm more excited that I'm past the half-way point and I'm wrapping it up. And I'm excited to edit the full product. This is the first novel I've done that isn't completely handwriten first. I have written 'Natalie' fully on the computer, which I have to say makes me really nervous in case my computer crashes. But it hasn't and I pray it doesn't.
I left chapter fourteen in a cliffhanger, which is something I try to avoid. But I wanted to get this set up properly for what's coming next. There won't be any spoilers here, but Chapter fifteen is gonna be a big event chapter. Some tough shit is gonna go down.
I really am wrapping up 'Natalie.' No really, I swear I am. I really am in the last half and things are gonna start wrapping up. Then all my focus goes to Voices.

Okay, personal notes. Life is good, but it sucks. Does that make sense? Well, I'm cutting and depressed and et cetera. But I'm in therapy for it. I've found a great therapist, he's an awesome dude and I feel great after I see him.

Thats it for now!
Lizzie Arlen

Back to School

So, here I am back at college. Round two. It's me versus my depression and this time I vow to win. I went to see my wonderful counselor today for the first time since the school year started. For all of my 'Natalie' fans (who totally don't come here) this is the man that I (loosely) based Michael Ashby off of. He's a great guy and I always feel good after I see him, which is what I want for Natalie, so I've put her in that place. In the beginning I wanted to stick her, long term, with a bad therapist. But I thought that would just be too unfair. I put myself in her place and in that situation and I practically lose my faith in humanity. And that would go too far against what I want the moral themes in 'Natalie' to be.

I know I haven't updated much, and I apologize for that. I haven't been in much of a writing mood and I just moved back into college last weekend. But I plan to get back on track today, scheduling a little of my time to write each day, setting an hour aside. That's my hope.

Quite honestly, I don't have much to say. Not much has happened lately. I just wanted to give a quick update for anyone who actually reads this, which is probably nobody.

That's all folks!
Lizzie Arlen

Wrapping up, but not really...

I keep saying that I'm going to finish Natalie so soon. Two more chapters, I promise myself. Two then becomes five and then five becomes indefinite. I'm completely anxious to finish so that I can begin revisions of Natalie and start on my next project, which I'm gonna talk a little bit about now.

The first chapter of 'Voices in my Head' is up on fictionpress now. It's a story that is incredibly important to me. I wrote it when I was going through a lot of problems in my life during my Sophomore year of high school. At first it was just sort of a lame idea I had about a crazy chick. I wrote a tentative first chapter as an experiment (and this is handwritten I should say) and in two days I had finished twenty pages. The story finished at 42 pages. It wasn't the longest story I'd written, in fact it was one of the shortest. But it was the best. It was the first piece of prose I'd written that showed any kind of growth in me as a writer.

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. From joint stories with my best friend about the thrilling adventures of Box and Triangle, to fanfiction, to crossover fanfiction to real live fiction. 'Voices in my Head' was my third novel and my best. Therefore I frequently dub it my first baby. (Terribly, I tend to call all my fanfiction stories and even my first piece of true fiction my miscarriages; the babies that just weren't strong enough. Like I said, terrible.)

The story is about a girl named Pamela. She originally had my name (I'm incredibly uncreative with names; most of my protagonists originally share my name with me) but I felt it was inappropriate considering some of the situations I wanted to put her in if I ever wanted anyone I knew to read it. If that makes any sense at all. I got the idea from a book I first picked up in seventh grade by Melenie Rawn (one of my two favorite authors EVER) and after I finished writing my story, I went on to write a companion to it and I'm in the process of writing two more companions to it.

See, the way I wrote it, I left it open for 28 companions to be written, which was my original plan. And I had this great idea that they could be read in any order; that it wouldn't really matter, but if you read them all, you'd get the depth of the whole situation. I don't know if I'll ever get around to writing all 28 companions. The 28 companions actually exclude the one I've finished and the two in progress for reasons that if I ever get around to that project, you'll understand. But if I ever get around to doing any other project besides Natalie, 'Voices in my Head' is first up.

Here's a sort of breakdown of my project plan:
1. 'Natalie' --Natalie is the younger of my two babies ('Voices' is more like a toddler now) so she gets all my developmental attention.
2. 'Voices'--This should be seriously easier than Natalie, because it's completely written, it just needs a lot of revisions.
3. 'Razor Freak' -- This is something I've talked about before in my blogs, hopefully I haven't teased you too much about it. It's going to a project close to my heart because in many ways it's about me and yet not about me. If that makes sense at all.
4. My suicide attempt. --Yeah, I know. So depressing all the time, Lizzie. What is wrong with you? Yeah yeah. I've been wanting to write about my own attempt for quite some time but I want to be able to spend all of my writing time and energy on it. No sense in a half-assed attempt. And, for those wondering, didn't you write that story already? No. I believe it says so, but the 'Suicide Attempt' on fictionpress is not mine. It is entirely fictional. The method is completely different.
5. Nothing specific.--What does that mean? This means I don't have any plans after all that. I will probably find some other big project to work on or I'll brush up a bunch of my short stories (Seriously, I have over 100 notebooks in my room brimming with crappy short stories. They need to be revised and entered.
6. Layla. --Yeah, I thought of my project after that. And it's Layla. Don't ask don't tell. That's my teaser. Just Layla. It's seriously old; I wrote it the same year as 'Voices,' though it came out significantly shorter. It also has a sequel in the making.

Well, maybe someday I'll actually get around to all this stuff. I'd like to say that that's the plan for the next semester of school. But honestly, I just don't know how long 'Natalie' is going to take me and I won't be the ten projects girl. Not this time. 'Natalie' is too damned important to me to let anything else distract me. I will not be tempted.

That's it for today. I've got a story to work on, no? A story to work on. Getting the feeling back in my feet and legs. If you've made it this far and you still actually care...Man, go get a life. Go listen to some Sunset Rubdown while staring at the blue sky lying under a tree and contemplate life as we know it. Go. It's fun, really!

Lizzie Arlen

Not Late Yet...

Babies have been on my mind for the past two weeks. Not that any of you really want to know, but I have a really regular period; three days starting around the 9/10th of the month.

I could be pregnant. My period isn't late. Not yet. It should start today or tomorrow. And if it doesn't. Well, my life is fucked and I have to think about options.

Option 1. Have a baby.
See, I can't do that because I vowed never to make my mother's mistakes and I'm sure as hell not going to marry the one afternoon stand/mistake I slept with. I would disappoint my mother, my family and every single one of my friends. And then there's "him." If he thought I was a slut, he'd never go out with me. And then I may have to just shoot myself in the head. 'Cause I think I might love him. I can't think of anything he could ask me that I wouldn't want to do for him. And I hate being like that. I supremely hate being like that.

Option 2. Have a baby and put it up.
See the above argument. Putting a baby up for an adoption isn't going to change any of that shit up there.

Option 3. The unspeakable.
I've never thought myself capable of having an abortion. And now I'm thinking seriously about it. And I haven't even missed my period yet. But I can't have a baby. As much as I want one. Not only would it fuck my entire life up...but...depression, anxiety; that shit is genetic. Can I really pass all the crap inside me onto another life? If I were married and living comfortably, I might think about it, but not now.

I'm not having a baby. Period or no period.

But please God. Please let me start my period. Please forgive me for sinning and making the mistakes I've made. I know I have to live with what I've done and take responsibility, but please God, don't make me put a baby through what I went through as a child. Don't give me the responsibility of being a single mother, because if I have a baby, I won't be able to give it up. Please help, let, make my period start soon. Please let it not starting now be some sort of hormone thing from living with my mother. Please God. Please.

Lizzie Arlen

Natalie

I really feel like talking about some of the background of 'Natalie' that goes on inside my head. She is a girl with a lot of issues and, although I've, fortunately, never had the experience of being abused, I wanted to put a lot of my emotions into her and make her really come alive. And I also love exploring the dynamic of relationships between people.

For example, Natalie and Amy have a very interesting relationship. I wanted to create for Natalie a girl who was almost the polar opposite of her. Natalie is a very white girl, she has her issues, but she's sort of a cookie-cutter looking girl, very pretty and soft, but she looks like a girl who would be very popular. Amy is much darker looking, more exotic with dark hair, dark skin and dark eyes. She's not a girl who is typically beautiful, she has more of a unique, awkward beauty to her. And she's very opposite to Natalie in the family dynamic; she gets practically no attention, wheras Natalie got attention, but it was the wrong kind and there was way too much of it. I wanted Amy to be a very supportive character, who ends up needing that support right back at the end. And I wanted her situation to be one that was very hard for Natalie to understand, because she would have killed for a family dynamic like Amy has.

Natalie's relationship with her mother is also a very interesting one. There's a lot of resentment and anger and frustration brewing within Natalie toward her mother. There are a lot of moments where she just doesn't understand how her mother could have let happen the things she let happen. But inside that anger toward her mother, there's a bit of anger at herself for not being able to stop it, even though she was very young.

In all my stories, I like to include people who have influenced my life, for better or worse, and Natalie has a large number of these people. I'm not particularly good at coming up with original characters (I've actually written several of these abuse stories, and this is really the first one I thought was worthy of posting), so I tend to use people I know as models for my characters. Janet, Josh, Aidan, Allan, and even the teacher that is seen from time to time all have a bit of people that I know. I actually had a bigger plan for said teacher in this story. She had her base in my high school history teacher, a woman who played a big role in my sophomore and junior years of high school. She really tried to drag me out of the tunnel of depression with very little success, I didn't make her attempts very easy and I really resented her, at the time, for trying to help, I really just wanted to be left alone to deal with my issues myself. Anyway, I really had a bigger plan for this teacher in the story, but I thought it would be just too much to write. Not that I couldn't do it, I thought there would be too much going on, too many relationships to uphold. In real life, its much easier to have so many people that you can talk to and rely on for support, but writing it is more complicated because one more person can be so much more information and just overwhelm the reader. I just decided it would be too much.

I'm hoping to wrap up Natalie within 2-5 more chapters, I really think that should take care of finishing it up. However, that is what I was telling myself two chapters ago, I was telling myself that in two chapters I would be done, but that just hasn't happened yet. I'm taking her back to counseling, which I have had problems with in the past. Crazy women psychologists who made my life miserable for two sessions each. And I wanted to resolve that for Natalie as well, I wanted her to find the right guy to talk to just like I have. And there are some other things I wanted to resolve as well. I'm not into spoilers, I'm not willing to tell you what's going to happen, because I kind of consider that a promise, and I've been known in my life to change my mind about an ending, which I've already done twice now, with Natalie.

This is the first story that I've really taken my time writing. With previous projects, I always give myself a deadline and then I rush to complete it. With Natalie, I promised myself that I would take my time writing it. And by no means do I consider what I've posted the final word. I still think this story has a lot of much needed editing and piecing together and added details, but my second draft, I thought, should go up so I could get some feedback on it.

Well, it was wonderful to talk about this story with my non-existent fans! I'm hoping, someday, I'll have access to a scanner so I can share my character sketches of Natalie to you all. I am a little behind schedule on the next chapter, the infamous chapter ten. I always consider the tenth chapter of any given story as a sort of a landmark, it shows me how devoted I am to a particular story. 'Natalie' is--I call her my baby. It's one of the stories I have always longed to write a certain way and this is the closest I've ever come to it. I've written several stories very much like this, with the same idea and the same characters, but with 'Natalie' I found the right approach.

Lizzie Arlen

What's New

Well, what is new?

Summer is new, that's for sure. I was really excited for summer in May. I could not wait for the school year to be over. I wanted away from PLU, away from my insane roommate and back home to the familiar, the safe, and the quiet. I assumed it would be stress free. I was completely wrong.

Amy is leaving Mountain View and since she announced, six people have come up to me to ask how I was doing with the news, thinking I would take it particularly hard. It's true that I love Amy; she's done a lot for me and I would be a different person with out her. I might also be dead with out her, but that's another story. I cried for a day and then I moved on. I thought to myself, "This is a woman who has supported you throughout whatever you've done and gone through. Now she's entering a new phase in her life and you can either be upset by it, or you can do what she's done for you and support her, despite the fact that you don't love what she's going to do." And now I think to myself, "God, you have long thoughts." I feel myself pulling away from her, in preparation. A movement so that when she leaves, it won't hurt as much. But I'm trying not to. I owe her feeling and a great number of other things and pulling emotionally away from her won't help in the long run. It's not like there's any way to say thank you (except, of course, for saying thank you) to her for what she's done. It's more a blow in the stomach to the church than to me. I know I will still talk to her and know her. My church may go a long time without seeing talent like hers grace the building, let alone be hired there.

I was invited to a meeting at the church for a temporary summer plan for once she's gone. When I got the message, I thought about it really hard. I wasn't sure I wanted anything to do with church music once Amy left, I'm still not sure. But I can't dwell anymore than anyone else can. It won't do any good and at this point all there can be is forward movement. It's bad enough there's something in my past haunting me, dwelling on things I can't change won't help. The meeting was chaotic. I walked in ready to demand anything I needed to demand. Attention, the floor, anything. I said maybe two words. There was nothing I could do to change the way it was going. It's not my church program anymore. And I'm slowly starting to think that once Amy leaves I will start to drift away. It's my church and I hate to think of my leaving because of someone. I promised years ago no one would drive me out of my church, not when I had clear seniority. But in this case? I don't even know how I feel. After this summer I may never sing in church again.

On top of that, I'm talking to my sister. I spent years thinking about them; what they were like, what were their names...I say them, but I'm only talking to one. Three sisters, one chosen. She looks like me. Tells me I look like my father. I look at her, spitting image, according to her. I look at myself, I look like her, ergo...Well that's that, huh? I spent years wondering, afraid, really. I thought if I looked like my father, my mother wouldn't love me. I thought she wouldn't be able to stand looking at me. Too many bad memories. But if it happened, I didn't notice. I'm paranoid.

She and I are a lot alike, in more than looks. A fellow love of all animals, especially dogs, even her voice sounds like mine. Not that I've talked to her. Her writing voice reminds me of my own, though she claims to be deficient in those skills. She has the same eyes. But darker hair. I imagine she has curly hair as well and straightens like I do.

So that's what's new. Mostly. There are some things in my personal life which I won't share, not on the internet.

"Some things you lose and some things you just give away."--Strawberry Gashes

Stay beautiful

Lizzie

The Truth About Self Injury?

The Truth About Self-Injury

Publish at Scribd or explore others: School Work Health & Medicine psychology cutting

So...I found this online, and I was somewhat curious, so I thought I would embed it here, since I don't actually have time to read it at this moment.

Lizzie Arlen

LIMINALITY

The definition as it appears on Wikipedia:

Liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning "a threshold"^[1]) is a psychological, neurological, or metaphysical subjective, conscious state of being on the "threshold" of or between two different existential planes, as defined in neurological psychology (a "liminal state") and in the anthropological theories of ritual by such writers as Arnold van Gennep, Victor Turner^[2], and others.^{[citations needed]} In the anthropological theories, a ritual, especially a rite of passage, involves some change to the participants, especially their social status.^[3]

The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy.^{[citations needed]} One's sense of identity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. Liminality is a period of transition where normal limits to thought, self-understanding, and behavior are relaxed - a situation which can lead to new perspectives.^{[citations needed]}

People, places, or things may not complete a transition, or a transition between two states may not be fully possible. Those who remain in a state between two other states may become permanently liminal.^{[citations needed]}

^{I know its sort of a weird post, but it says what I need it to say.}

What brought this up? It's sort of hard to explain. If I understood every thought that went through my mind, life would be much different.

Lizzie Arlen

Starting to feel it...

Feel what you ask?

I'm not actually sure. But I sure do feel something. Stress, anxiety, worry, depression. I can't really sleep at night without taking a nyquil. Then I can sleep okay. I only have like, a week or so more of school. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm looking forward to getting away from school and from my crazy friends (except Ashley). I'm looking forward to never living with Angela again. I'm looking forward to less stress. I'm looking forward to being alone the majority of the time.

I feel sick inside.

What's wrong with me?

Something is wrong with me. I just don't know. I feel sick. My head hurts, and sometimes I feel incapable of smiling.

I feel selfish too. I'm not the only one going through a shitty time. Ashley's having problems too, you know? I want to be there for her, but I feel like such a failure all the time that I feel like I'm not fit to help her through this. I feel like I'm just gonna fuck it up.

I always feel like I'm going to infect people around me with whatever's wrong with me. Does that make sense? No. But its how I feel. I'm afraid that the fact that I'm depressed makes Ashley sad and I don't want her to be sad. That would suck. I mean, more sad than she already is. I hate this whole thing.

I keep having this vision of myself. Drenched in all this blood and it isn't my blood. Not this time. This time, the blood belongs to someone else. Some one I've killed. But I haven't killed anyone. I'm just drenched in it. Head to toe.

What's wrong with me?
Lizzie Arlen

Is It a Good Idea to Microwave This?

Hey guys.

So, I've been occuping all my extra time (spent avoiding the next Chapter of Natalie because of the nature of the things going into chapter 8) watching a show on youtube called Is It a Good Idea to Microwave this? Where they have, like, 500 episodes of microwaving random crap and seeing what happens. It's pretty funny if you have some time to blow. My favorite is Ivory soap, because it did not do what I thought it would.

I'm in the middle of reading Pride and Prejudice... and I have about a million books that I want to buy and read.
"The Luckiest Girl in the World" by Stevel Levenkron
"Girl With A Pearl Earring" by Tracy Chevalier
What I have dubbed "That Christopher Isherwood book" because I always forget the name
and "Girl, Interrupted" by Susanna Kayson
I don't know why exactly I feel the need to update the world on what's on my reading list, but why the hell not, right?

As for my writing, Chapter 8 of Natalie is underway, Razor Freak is slowly being written still (yeah, I'm not sure where its going or I'd put some up right now, because I definitly have enough for at least two chapters), Voices in My Head is currently on hold because I really want to get Natalie finished before I undergo a huge project. The rough draft of Voices in My head is completely done (also completely hand written), but it's something I wrote in my sophomore year of high school (and I'm almost beginning my sophomore year of college) it really needs some editing and a much different beginning. The first chapter that is up on my account at fictionpress.com is almost completely new; there's a small tidbit from chapter four of the original (oddly enough) that was part of a flash back and just as soon as I'm finished with Natalie, that will be the next project I pick up.
http://www.fictionpress.com/~elizabetharlen
There's where you can find all my stories, in case you found me through blogger instead of fictionpress.

Let's see...reading, writing, entertainment, I suppose I should cover my personal life.

I told my mom I had started cutting again and she yelled at me. I told Schyuler I didn't call her because I knew she would tell me off. She took it much better than my mother did. Yeah, they are definitely not people to call when I'm sad. They want to be supportive, but they care too much for my well being to care that I'm sad and yell at me for cutting instead. My person is awesome enough to not do that. She listens without judgement, thank God (or at least doesn't make me listen to her judgement).

I kind of felt like doing it yesterday, and I avoided it, so I assume that I will probably feel like doing it today too. So.

Well, I have to get to choir, so I'm gonna publish this and possibly update more later. And certainly much more often.
Lizzie Arlen

Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse

So it's been awhile, huh?

In the time since I've posted, I've cut myself several times. It's unfortunate but true.

Today I brought some antibacterial lotion to hopefully reduce the scarring on my legs. I wish it was something I could fix right away, though I don't really mind the look of them, I know my mother will and I'm terrified she'll find out I've started again.

Wow, I kind of just realized how little I have to say today. Chapter 8 of Natalie is underway and is about a page through, with about 3 more expected. Still working on some other stories that are less developed and aren't quite ready for posting quite yet, but I hope to have at least one of them ready for the start of posting by May.

Well...

We're on a road to nowhere,
Come on inside...
Lizzie Arlen

Blowing Off Work

So here I am. Blowing off my work as usual.

I have a Japanese paper due in two days, a psych exam in two days and a voice lesson tomorrow, which I have not practiced for as much as I should. (That I should probably work on. Dammit.) I just don't want to do any work. I'm tired (though I have no reason to be).

But I'm happy. I got to see Ben today. and I will see him five more days soon (Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, and Sun!) So really, all I have to do is get through the next two days and everything will be okay. I'm totally excited. Holy Week is an incredible week for me. It's quite possibly one of my favorite weeks in the world. No. It is.

I don't really have much to write, but I really wanted to give a quick write up on what's going on.

I'm reading a Jodi Picoult novel called "Change of Heart" that is quite incredible. This is officially the fourth Picoult novel I've read and I am quite enjoying it. She's written just about a million different books. It drives me totally nuts.

I'm listening to Oliver while I (sort of ) work on my paper. It's an incredible movie and I really want to read the book. My book list is getting incredibly long. I've given up on Great Expectations and Little Women (I just can't seem to get into them).

Well, I really ought to get back to what I'm supposed to be doing. Here's hoping I can actually achieve this undertaking. There's a lot of information just on court music, so I think I may focus in on that. Take a window on the subject, as it were.

Here's hoping all of your endeavors go well and much better than mine go.

Lizzie Arlen

Why April is Seriously Cool

So, I know it's not April yet. Today I turned my wall calender page to April because I had several things to write on it, and I figured, hey, it's just one more day, I'll just pin it here anyway. My roommate comes in and says, "Hey! It's not April!" No, it is, indeed, not April.

But I wish it was.

Here are the exciting things happening in April. For one, Jill Sobule's new CD, California Days (I think that's right, but don't quote me...) is coming out on the fourteenth. Melanie Rawn is publishing Spellbinder 2 (Fire Raiser!) sometime in April...yeah, I wish I could pin down the date too. My best friend's birthday is in April, which is basically a fabulous excuse for me to drive up to the big city to see her (Wish I could see that girl more often). On top of that, there's Easter, which is one of my favorite celebrations EVER!

I thought I might include some interesting facts about April as long as I was on the topic. Be warned that I am lazy and am therefore getting my information from Wikipedia, meaning that it may be accurate, or it may be absolute bullshit, but either way, it ought to be interesting.

April is National Poetry month, Sexual assault awareness month, and Jazz Appreciation month. And don't forget April Fools Day. When I was ten years old, I had the perfect plan for April Fools. I was going to get up early out of bed and tell my mother that it had snowed and that school was canceled (hell, it was worth a shot, right?) So I get up on April 1st and while my mother is in the bathroom, I look out the blinds, thinking about my awesome plan to find that it has been snowing all night long and that school has been canceled. Foiled again. It would have been great if that hadn't happened. Then again, I certainly didn't mind the day off. Having April Fool's off when you are a kid who is bullied frequently is quite wonderful.

Anyway, I'm excited for April (one day more!).

So yesterday...I cut myself four times. I succumbed to the feeling, but I'm hoping I won't again. I think I told you about a story I'm writing called Razor Freak. Well, even though it has no direct relation to my life (except for the cutting), writing it is extremely, because of how I'm writing it. The idea is that this girl, who has no friends, kind of makes her own and she lives so deeply in her own world that things talk to her and this includes the razor, who is always tempting her to make another cut, it's always whispering in her ear. This can be mildly triggering for me to write or read or edit, so I gave into this feeling I've been missing. But I'm sincerely trying to to have this problem again. Baby steps. One day at a time. If I can just make one day at a time, I'll be okay.

What hurts me more, inside, is that I got into an argument with my mother yesterday and she asked me (because she can, apparantly) if I'd cut recently. And I had literally made these cuts an hour before. "No," I said, placing my legs closer together and pushing my bag further up in my lap, so she couldn't even see down to the floor where my feet were.

This is going to be the last. I'm going to try as hard as I can for this to be the last.

I'm doing better, but I could use all the encouragement and silent prayers I can get, my nonexistant followers.

Lizzie Arlen

"I Can Hear Music"

So, I decided to put as my title the song I was listening to, because not much is going on right now. I thought I would do a short blog on what I'm up to really quick, because once again, I'm not really sure how long this connection will last. So, at the moment I'm listening to the Beach Boys, but I think I'm going to change soon.

My friend Julia and I are going to watch movies all day long and just chill. We're definately in a Jane Austin mood because we're watching the last half of Pride and Prejudice first. Then we're watching Hope Floats, Garden State, Gia, Garden state, Chocolat, and Fried Green Tomatoes (one of the best movies ever!).

I'm continuing to work on my writing. Natalie has a new chapter ready for uploading (I'm waiting until next week however.) No new work on Razor Freak, but I've been busy sleeping and driving to the nearest town with a bookstore. That's truly what bothers me about being at my grandparent's house; its a small town with no bookstore. It does at least have a decent library.

I'm going to try and get a bunch of reading done here as well. I want to finish either Great Expectations (Dickens) or Change of Heart (Picoult). I want to start the Dragon Prince sequel (Rawn). But more than anything else I just want to do something productive. I really like Great Expectations, though it is nothing like I thought it was. I was so used to the Wishbone version and while the Wishbone version is great for getting kids hooked on books, they are so loosley based on the original books. Though, I suppose with censoring them and dumbing them down for kids, they do a relatively good job. That show was quite possibly the best thing that happened to me as a kid. Books are cool. Period.

I don't even want to have to tell you how many times I lost the connection in the middle of this blog. It was a ridiculous amount of times, seriously. Several times...blah. The things I go through to write to my nonexistant fan base. See? Appreciate me. I demand it.

Yeah, yeah. I know. No pressure or anything. Well. Have a good day all. I hope you all are well and happy ( I must wish everyone something I can't have--well, its not so much that I can't, its that I don't, but that's another story). Anyway. Go on, I have no more to say for the day.
Lizzie Arlen

It's Been Awhile

Wow, it really has been awhile.
Since the last time I wrote, I have gone halfway through the semester of the last half of my first year in college. I've figured out a new roommate for next year (completely different that my original plan). I've started to narrow down my major (conducting or composing) and I got rid of my writer's block (Natalie has over 100 hits and I'm working on a story called Razor Freak that draws from personal experience, but does not actually come directly from my life. Maybe I'll put some up some time this week)
Since I'm drawing from a random wireless connection, I'm gonna make this short. I felt like writing since I haven't in so long and letting my nonexistent fanbase know that I'm alive. Yeah, I know you missed me, it's very apparant. Like I said, this will be short since I don't know when this could cut out on me.
More soon.
Lizzie Arlen

Almost Finished

Hey.
So, my terrible, scary business class is done tomorrow! That's right, tomorrow I am free for 5 beautiful days. I'm so tired. Last night after I got back from church, I totally crashed in my roommate's chair. I barely made it up to my bed to go to sleep and once I did, I was out like that.
I had a pretty good night last night. Mike drove me home last night, and it's always fun to talk to Mike. He and Lisa are separated and have been since August and it completely weirds me out that I didn't know. He also asked me about my father, wanted to know if I'd had any contact with him and I said 'no.' Although, I did tell him that I looked my father up after I had a dream about him. I think he may be the only person I told about that. I can't remember if I told anyone else or not. It was actually a good dream with my father in it.
Oh, I'm so jealous. Every one of my friends has more family than me. Angela just hung up on her sister, Michelle's fighting with her dad. I'm very jealous. And I can understand why Angela did what she did and I know she loves her sister and I know Michelle's dad is being a jackass. But still...I feel like no one appreciates what they have. People complain about their fathers or siblings and I just sit there thinking, "Do you know how lucky you are that you have a father to fight with? That you have a father who loves you no matter what?" I don't have that and I never will and that's okay, but it bugs me when people don't appreciate what they've got.
Sigh. Anyway. I'm trying not to linger on that.
Plus I scratched my arm a ton yesterday at church. I liked it a lot too. When I cut (once on my leg, sorry Amy) the other night, it was very...bland. I didn't enjoy it at all and I got no satisfaction out of it. Which, I suppose, is probably best. I'm trying to write more in order to get rid of all that inside, internalized crap. It isn't working very well for me. I have writer's block up to my...I don't know...something very high. I have no creativity in my heart right now. My soul is black right now. But I don't want to let the world know right now. I'm too tired to share my life.

Lizzie Arlen

Suspicions.

So, first, the good news.
I have a phone interview for a job tomorrow at 12:30, pray for me to get it. I want it, I want it, I want it. I need to be personable and confident and correct.

Now the weird news. I should tell you a quick story first. So my very first boyfriend (back in 8th grade) thought I was lying to him about stuff so he made up an alter ego named Luke and pretended to be an angel, my guardian angel. And me, being the stupid 13 year old that I was, believed him without a second thought. And Luke was a slave in America and he was killed during the war and all that jazz. And of course it eventually came out that my boyfriend was really him and we ended up not together. Oddly enough, we're still friends.
And now I'm in this situation that's giving me serious deja vu. So, I get this email on Facebook from this guy called "Ladi John" who is from Nigeria, but is in the town network that I am.

"...Hello.am ladi by name from nigeria..angel dont say couse am from nigeria you wont talk to me.i do like to be your friend.don't you have Id so we could talk better..tell me more about you angel you are beautiful for a friend.do you mind if i give you a call?don't see am to fast just try to understand the feeling inside of me...

Stars are like friends; there's always some around, you just need to find your favorite one...A friend is someone who will always be there when everyone else fails...
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.If I could give you one thing I would wish for you, the ability to see yourself as others see you, then you would realize what a truly special person you are..A best friend is the one sitting beside you saying, 'Damn that was fun.
I know when I leave, the distance will keep us apart. But distance, no matter how far, can't change these feelings in my heart...Time may take us apart, that's true, but I will always be there for you...
You're in my heart, you'll be in my dreams, no matter the miles between..These lonely nights are hard to get through. I will keep you in my eyes by making you a dream...Far in distance, but near at heart, you'll always be the angel of my heart...Distance does not matter if two hearts are loyal to one another..."

See, to me, it sounds as if he knows me. And I'm wondering if this is my ex-boyfriend trying to be funny or something. Plus, "Ladi John" is friends with this girl I used to know who I know my ex is facebook friends with. I'm suspicious about this, it kind of bothers me. But at least this time I have a better sense of what I'm doing. I'm not actually believing this stuff. And who knows? Maybe it is real. Maybe I'm making this into something that its not. Or maybe I'm just being smart this time. Gotta love those trust issues.

So this was my reply:
"...Well, I'm very flattered. Thank you for the beautiful email.
For now, I'll say that if you add me as a friend on Facebook, I'll accept you, but you should know that I'm very busy at college and I don't have a lot of time for playing around on the internet, as much as I'd like to.
I don't know if you're looking for something special from me, and if so, I apologize because I don't have much to give. Email me again...."

See, I was really kind of curious. This is just reminding me so much of something that happened five years ago, but like its been taken from a different direction. I want to know more so I can know if I should be freaked out or something. I should probably set my profile to private, if it isn't already (I really just don't know).
So then I get another email.

"...Am so happy to hear from you soon...well am kind of busy person too, but if you dont mind if you can give me your Email or phone number so i could call you when i like okay.... do not say am to fast or something, i hope you understand better the kind of feeling i have for you...i do like to know you more better if you really dont mind...take care..."

I really don't know what to think. I feel like this is my ex screwing with me again for no apparant reason. I keep trying to think what I could have done. Anyway, its freaking me out and I shouldn't have replied at all, but I'm stupid, so here's what I replied the second time.

"...I don't mind. You can email me here, I get email alerts when someone emails me on facebook so I can check them out pretty fast. I don't have a phone right now. I just moved and we don't have a land line or anything, so I just can't give out a number that doesn't exist. Sorry. But feel free to email me whenever, I respond pretty quickly...."

Like hell was I gonna give you my phone number. That's absolute shit! Are you insane, do you think I'm that stupid? I mean for the love of God. I'm still a little freaked out and I plan to record everything that happens here. See, it would fit well with the whole phone number thing. My ex has my old room number, but not my new one. Maybe this is his special way of trying to get it. Maybe it isn't him at all. All I know is I'm not going to be giving "Ladi John" anything important about me.

Song of the day: Karen by Night--Jill Sobule.

Woot, bought the CD, Jill Sobule, yesterday at the CD place near the bookstore. I wanna live there. "Looking like young Marlon Brando..." has been stuck in my head for days now. I love her. Love, love, love her music. I'd say something cheesy, like "It speaks to my soul" but I think it just sounds cool, so lets leave it at that.

Remember. Pray for my job interview tomorrow. I'll tell you how it goes.

Lizzie Arlen

Writer's Block

Well. I finally moved up to Angela's room. It's about a million times better than living downstairs next to two absolute bitches. This is probably going to be very short, by the way, my non-existent readers/followers. There's so much space up here and I love it. Angela's great, the room is great.

However. I can't write. My one outlet when I'm really feeling low and nothing wants to come out. I know that I'm probably just trying way too hard, but this is what's happening. I have no inspiration. I have no motivation. I just hate not being able to put thoughts on paper. It absolutely and totally sucks. How many times can you use the word "blows" before it becomes obsolete? I'm there. That many times. Hopefully this will soon remedy itself. I'll keep you updated. It's kind of nice to pretend that I have a fan base. I know that I don't, but I like pretending that I do; it gives me a false sense of self confidence. I like that feeling. Plus I can pretend I'm sharing my feelings and crap with someone and that way if someone asks if I have, I can say yes and not feel too bad.

I still haven't found a song for my Uncle Wayne's memorial service and I don't know what I'll do because Amy is now out of town. I guess I'll have to ask Debbie, I know she's done a lot of that stuff, but I don't think she knows and I don't feel as comfortable talking to her about it. And God forbid, my mother actually be patient with me and wait for me to ask for it. Sigh. She thinks I won't do it, so she does it herself, which I hate. It's like, just give me five seconds and I'll get there!

Anyway. I just wanted to update and say that I was feeling better from two days ago and that life is awesome. I drew on my arm with a pen and now I need to wash it off before I see my mother tomorrow.

Stay safe and happy.

Lizzie Arlen

Empty Glass

All alone in my head
Empty glass by the bed
All the tears turned to stone
And I feel so alone
Empty glass by the bed
You are cold, you are dead
And the room's shrinking small
Where'd you go when you went? when you heartbeats were spent
And you fuckin' lied
Yes, you fuckin' lied
Never told me you died
All alone in my head
Empty glass...

And a glass gotta smash
Gotta break, gotta slash,
Gotta gouge, gotta slice
Cut through everything twice
Cut through me, cut through you
Cut the skin where it's blue
And the tears gotta flow
Gotta be
Empty glass...

Empty glass, empty mug, empty cup, empty bowl
Empty shelf, empty room, just a big empty hole
Empty hands, empty head
And still by the bed
Still by the bed
Empty glass...
--Empty Glass--Prozac and Platypus

So. I'm not feeling so great. And I don't really know why. It probably has to do with the fact that my period's supposed to come at any moment now. I'm in pain, I'm exhausted, and feeling depressed.

So, on Wednesday, I started feeling this pain in my hip. And it got progressively worse as the days went on. Finally, on Friday, my friends insisted that I go to the clinic. So I went and I guess they think it's an inflammation of the soft tissue surrounding my right hip joint. So I have to take these high dose ibuprofen every eight hours to keep the pain at bay. And while I can walk normally again (although I'm out of medication) now my back is in pain and the sores on my breasts seem to be getting really bad. I don't believe I have this many ailments right now. It's just freaking ridiculous. And on top of that. I'm feeling suddenly depressed.

I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button today with Julia, some guy, and Angela. It was an incredible movie and I beat my record of longest time crying during a movie. Gone With the Wind was 15 minutes, South Pacific was 20, and Benjamin Button was more like...45 or 50. So I beat it by a long shot, but it just exhausted me.

I drew with a permanent marker. A red one. Just one line. I want to cut so badly and I'm trying so hard to convince myself not to. I'm stronger than this and I know it, but...Sometimes it just comes and when it comes I don't feel like I have any kind of control over it. I want to so badly. I want a pen cap or a mechanical pencil or a finger nail; a push pin, a razor, anything. Dammit, what's wrong with me that I want this? What kind of sick person wants to hurt themselves. Well, I think I'm gonna let my music go on and I'll read for awhile. I'm so tired and I have to move upstairs tomorrow.

I think the death is starting to make it's presence known in my conscious. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to cry. I don't want to sing. I don't want to see my Aunt Joan like that. I don't want anything but to just curl up and get the kind of pain I like and get rid of the hip pain and the back pain. I just want it to go away. Please.

I'll tell you how life turns out.

Lizzie Arlen

My...Interesting Christmas/RIP

Hey, its been about a week, huh? So let me fill in my faithful, nonexistant fans in on what's been up with me this Christmas.
So first. We did make it to my grandparent's house. It's about an 8-hour drive, but the roads weren't too bad. My grandmother called us every hour on our cell phone (it was a bit freakish) to ask how the roads were and whatnot. Then she asked us to stop in Lewiston and try to get some lutefisk, which, if I didn't explain before, is a gross fish that is force fed to my mother and I on Christmas eve. So she asked us to do that and we went to the store and...THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY! Now maybe that doesn't sound strange to you, but in the 18 (almost 19) years I've been alive, there has never not been lutefisk on the table on Christmas eve, and while I've managed to get out of eating it since my sophomore year in highschool, it was very weird. Not to say I wasn't happy about it, its gross fish and I wasn't going to eat it or like the smell of it, but all the same.

Then. The snow. Never ever has there been enough snow that my mother and I couldn't get up the hill to the house when we got in. Bucky, this guy who works with my grandfather, had to take us up in his truck. We actually got snowed in Christmas eve and we couldn't go to church. Once again, a first. Except for like...the year I was born and the doctor told my mom she couldn't go over the mountains with me (she was still pregnant). Plus, my uncle Wayne and Aunt Joan couldn't join us this year. Originally, Wayne's daughter and grandaughter were going to come up from Texas to spend Christmas with them, but then because of the snow they couldn't come. Like I said, I can't remember the last time I wasn't with my Aunt Joan at Christmas.

I made out well this year. I got two beautiful piano books (despite the fact that I play terribly). I got tons of pj's which is what I tend to ask for when I can't think of anything that I want. Some money. Mamma Mia, the movie. A faux fur throw that looks wonderfully warm (I haven't really wrapped up in it yet due to the fact that I haven't showered since...I can't remember.) A sketchbook, some folders.

Here comes the RIP part. I told you that my uncle Wayne has liver cancer; which is hard to find and diagnose, harder to treat, and like all cancer, impossible to cure. Last Saturday night, he died in his sleep, completely unrelated to the cancer, he had a brain anyurism. Which is kind of okay with me, because liver cancer would be a painful way to die and my Aunt Joan already had to watch one husband die of cancer and it would suck for her to have to go through it again. See, the thing is that we thought we'd have more time. He wasn't feeling great during Thanksgiving and the day we left for home, they went to the hospital to get him looked at and found he had cancer. He was supposed to start treatment (though the doctors weren't hopeful about it) on Monday (this last Monday.) So our Christmas has been a very...unique one.

I emailed Amy, a friend of mine to tell her, and she said "I hope you mean a good unique and not a bad one." And while it was a sad Christmas, it was still good, you know? For once, my mom and I didn't get in an argument, and my mom and my grandmother didn't get in a fight, and myself and my grandmother didn't get in a fight. There was no fighting. I spent all of two seconds on the computer. I got to see my baby and he was looking really good. Which made me feel good.

I don't know. It was a sad Christmas and I'm looking forward to returning to college and seeing my friends and going back to thinking about nothing serious. Bye for now.

Lizzie Arlen