Starting to feel it...

Feel what you ask?

I'm not actually sure. But I sure do feel something. Stress, anxiety, worry, depression. I can't really sleep at night without taking a nyquil. Then I can sleep okay. I only have like, a week or so more of school. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm looking forward to getting away from school and from my crazy friends (except Ashley). I'm looking forward to never living with Angela again. I'm looking forward to less stress. I'm looking forward to being alone the majority of the time.

I feel sick inside.

What's wrong with me?

Something is wrong with me. I just don't know. I feel sick. My head hurts, and sometimes I feel incapable of smiling.

I feel selfish too. I'm not the only one going through a shitty time. Ashley's having problems too, you know? I want to be there for her, but I feel like such a failure all the time that I feel like I'm not fit to help her through this. I feel like I'm just gonna fuck it up.

I always feel like I'm going to infect people around me with whatever's wrong with me. Does that make sense? No. But its how I feel. I'm afraid that the fact that I'm depressed makes Ashley sad and I don't want her to be sad. That would suck. I mean, more sad than she already is. I hate this whole thing.

I keep having this vision of myself. Drenched in all this blood and it isn't my blood. Not this time. This time, the blood belongs to someone else. Some one I've killed. But I haven't killed anyone. I'm just drenched in it. Head to toe.

What's wrong with me?
Lizzie Arlen