Empty Glass

All alone in my head
Empty glass by the bed
All the tears turned to stone
And I feel so alone
Empty glass by the bed
You are cold, you are dead
And the room's shrinking small
Where'd you go when you went? when you heartbeats were spent
And you fuckin' lied
Yes, you fuckin' lied
Never told me you died
All alone in my head
Empty glass...

And a glass gotta smash
Gotta break, gotta slash,
Gotta gouge, gotta slice
Cut through everything twice
Cut through me, cut through you
Cut the skin where it's blue
And the tears gotta flow
Gotta be
Empty glass...

Empty glass, empty mug, empty cup, empty bowl
Empty shelf, empty room, just a big empty hole
Empty hands, empty head
And still by the bed
Still by the bed
Empty glass...
--Empty Glass--Prozac and Platypus

So. I'm not feeling so great. And I don't really know why. It probably has to do with the fact that my period's supposed to come at any moment now. I'm in pain, I'm exhausted, and feeling depressed.

So, on Wednesday, I started feeling this pain in my hip. And it got progressively worse as the days went on. Finally, on Friday, my friends insisted that I go to the clinic. So I went and I guess they think it's an inflammation of the soft tissue surrounding my right hip joint. So I have to take these high dose ibuprofen every eight hours to keep the pain at bay. And while I can walk normally again (although I'm out of medication) now my back is in pain and the sores on my breasts seem to be getting really bad. I don't believe I have this many ailments right now. It's just freaking ridiculous. And on top of that. I'm feeling suddenly depressed.

I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button today with Julia, some guy, and Angela. It was an incredible movie and I beat my record of longest time crying during a movie. Gone With the Wind was 15 minutes, South Pacific was 20, and Benjamin Button was more like...45 or 50. So I beat it by a long shot, but it just exhausted me.

I drew with a permanent marker. A red one. Just one line. I want to cut so badly and I'm trying so hard to convince myself not to. I'm stronger than this and I know it, but...Sometimes it just comes and when it comes I don't feel like I have any kind of control over it. I want to so badly. I want a pen cap or a mechanical pencil or a finger nail; a push pin, a razor, anything. Dammit, what's wrong with me that I want this? What kind of sick person wants to hurt themselves. Well, I think I'm gonna let my music go on and I'll read for awhile. I'm so tired and I have to move upstairs tomorrow.

I think the death is starting to make it's presence known in my conscious. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to cry. I don't want to sing. I don't want to see my Aunt Joan like that. I don't want anything but to just curl up and get the kind of pain I like and get rid of the hip pain and the back pain. I just want it to go away. Please.

I'll tell you how life turns out.

Lizzie Arlen