Babies have been on my mind for the past two weeks. Not that any of you really want to know, but I have a really regular period; three days starting around the 9/10th of the month.
I could be pregnant. My period isn't late. Not yet. It should start today or tomorrow. And if it doesn't. Well, my life is fucked and I have to think about options.
Option 1. Have a baby.
See, I can't do that because I vowed never to make my mother's mistakes and I'm sure as hell not going to marry the one afternoon stand/mistake I slept with. I would disappoint my mother, my family and every single one of my friends. And then there's "him." If he thought I was a slut, he'd never go out with me. And then I may have to just shoot myself in the head. 'Cause I think I might love him. I can't think of anything he could ask me that I wouldn't want to do for him. And I hate being like that. I supremely hate being like that.
Option 2. Have a baby and put it up.
See the above argument. Putting a baby up for an adoption isn't going to change any of that shit up there.
Option 3. The unspeakable.
I've never thought myself capable of having an abortion. And now I'm thinking seriously about it. And I haven't even missed my period yet. But I can't have a baby. As much as I want one. Not only would it fuck my entire life up...but...depression, anxiety; that shit is genetic. Can I really pass all the crap inside me onto another life? If I were married and living comfortably, I might think about it, but not now.
I'm not having a baby. Period or no period.
But please God. Please let me start my period. Please forgive me for sinning and making the mistakes I've made. I know I have to live with what I've done and take responsibility, but please God, don't make me put a baby through what I went through as a child. Don't give me the responsibility of being a single mother, because if I have a baby, I won't be able to give it up. Please help, let, make my period start soon. Please let it not starting now be some sort of hormone thing from living with my mother. Please God. Please.
Lizzie Arlen
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