Starting to feel it...

Feel what you ask?

I'm not actually sure. But I sure do feel something. Stress, anxiety, worry, depression. I can't really sleep at night without taking a nyquil. Then I can sleep okay. I only have like, a week or so more of school. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm looking forward to getting away from school and from my crazy friends (except Ashley). I'm looking forward to never living with Angela again. I'm looking forward to less stress. I'm looking forward to being alone the majority of the time.

I feel sick inside.

What's wrong with me?

Something is wrong with me. I just don't know. I feel sick. My head hurts, and sometimes I feel incapable of smiling.

I feel selfish too. I'm not the only one going through a shitty time. Ashley's having problems too, you know? I want to be there for her, but I feel like such a failure all the time that I feel like I'm not fit to help her through this. I feel like I'm just gonna fuck it up.

I always feel like I'm going to infect people around me with whatever's wrong with me. Does that make sense? No. But its how I feel. I'm afraid that the fact that I'm depressed makes Ashley sad and I don't want her to be sad. That would suck. I mean, more sad than she already is. I hate this whole thing.

I keep having this vision of myself. Drenched in all this blood and it isn't my blood. Not this time. This time, the blood belongs to someone else. Some one I've killed. But I haven't killed anyone. I'm just drenched in it. Head to toe.

What's wrong with me?
Lizzie Arlen

Is It a Good Idea to Microwave This?

Hey guys.

So, I've been occuping all my extra time (spent avoiding the next Chapter of Natalie because of the nature of the things going into chapter 8) watching a show on youtube called Is It a Good Idea to Microwave this? Where they have, like, 500 episodes of microwaving random crap and seeing what happens. It's pretty funny if you have some time to blow. My favorite is Ivory soap, because it did not do what I thought it would.

I'm in the middle of reading Pride and Prejudice... and I have about a million books that I want to buy and read.
"The Luckiest Girl in the World" by Stevel Levenkron
"Girl With A Pearl Earring" by Tracy Chevalier
What I have dubbed "That Christopher Isherwood book" because I always forget the name
and "Girl, Interrupted" by Susanna Kayson
I don't know why exactly I feel the need to update the world on what's on my reading list, but why the hell not, right?

As for my writing, Chapter 8 of Natalie is underway, Razor Freak is slowly being written still (yeah, I'm not sure where its going or I'd put some up right now, because I definitly have enough for at least two chapters), Voices in My Head is currently on hold because I really want to get Natalie finished before I undergo a huge project. The rough draft of Voices in My head is completely done (also completely hand written), but it's something I wrote in my sophomore year of high school (and I'm almost beginning my sophomore year of college) it really needs some editing and a much different beginning. The first chapter that is up on my account at fictionpress.com is almost completely new; there's a small tidbit from chapter four of the original (oddly enough) that was part of a flash back and just as soon as I'm finished with Natalie, that will be the next project I pick up.
http://www.fictionpress.com/~elizabetharlen
There's where you can find all my stories, in case you found me through blogger instead of fictionpress.

Let's see...reading, writing, entertainment, I suppose I should cover my personal life.

I told my mom I had started cutting again and she yelled at me. I told Schyuler I didn't call her because I knew she would tell me off. She took it much better than my mother did. Yeah, they are definitely not people to call when I'm sad. They want to be supportive, but they care too much for my well being to care that I'm sad and yell at me for cutting instead. My person is awesome enough to not do that. She listens without judgement, thank God (or at least doesn't make me listen to her judgement).

I kind of felt like doing it yesterday, and I avoided it, so I assume that I will probably feel like doing it today too. So.

Well, I have to get to choir, so I'm gonna publish this and possibly update more later. And certainly much more often.
Lizzie Arlen

Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse

So it's been awhile, huh?

In the time since I've posted, I've cut myself several times. It's unfortunate but true.

Today I brought some antibacterial lotion to hopefully reduce the scarring on my legs. I wish it was something I could fix right away, though I don't really mind the look of them, I know my mother will and I'm terrified she'll find out I've started again.

Wow, I kind of just realized how little I have to say today. Chapter 8 of Natalie is underway and is about a page through, with about 3 more expected. Still working on some other stories that are less developed and aren't quite ready for posting quite yet, but I hope to have at least one of them ready for the start of posting by May.

Well...

We're on a road to nowhere,
Come on inside...
Lizzie Arlen

Blowing Off Work

So here I am. Blowing off my work as usual.

I have a Japanese paper due in two days, a psych exam in two days and a voice lesson tomorrow, which I have not practiced for as much as I should. (That I should probably work on. Dammit.) I just don't want to do any work. I'm tired (though I have no reason to be).

But I'm happy. I got to see Ben today. and I will see him five more days soon (Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, and Sun!) So really, all I have to do is get through the next two days and everything will be okay. I'm totally excited. Holy Week is an incredible week for me. It's quite possibly one of my favorite weeks in the world. No. It is.

I don't really have much to write, but I really wanted to give a quick write up on what's going on.

I'm reading a Jodi Picoult novel called "Change of Heart" that is quite incredible. This is officially the fourth Picoult novel I've read and I am quite enjoying it. She's written just about a million different books. It drives me totally nuts.

I'm listening to Oliver while I (sort of ) work on my paper. It's an incredible movie and I really want to read the book. My book list is getting incredibly long. I've given up on Great Expectations and Little Women (I just can't seem to get into them).

Well, I really ought to get back to what I'm supposed to be doing. Here's hoping I can actually achieve this undertaking. There's a lot of information just on court music, so I think I may focus in on that. Take a window on the subject, as it were.

Here's hoping all of your endeavors go well and much better than mine go.

Lizzie Arlen

Why April is Seriously Cool

So, I know it's not April yet. Today I turned my wall calender page to April because I had several things to write on it, and I figured, hey, it's just one more day, I'll just pin it here anyway. My roommate comes in and says, "Hey! It's not April!" No, it is, indeed, not April.

But I wish it was.

Here are the exciting things happening in April. For one, Jill Sobule's new CD, California Days (I think that's right, but don't quote me...) is coming out on the fourteenth. Melanie Rawn is publishing Spellbinder 2 (Fire Raiser!) sometime in April...yeah, I wish I could pin down the date too. My best friend's birthday is in April, which is basically a fabulous excuse for me to drive up to the big city to see her (Wish I could see that girl more often). On top of that, there's Easter, which is one of my favorite celebrations EVER!

I thought I might include some interesting facts about April as long as I was on the topic. Be warned that I am lazy and am therefore getting my information from Wikipedia, meaning that it may be accurate, or it may be absolute bullshit, but either way, it ought to be interesting.

April is National Poetry month, Sexual assault awareness month, and Jazz Appreciation month. And don't forget April Fools Day. When I was ten years old, I had the perfect plan for April Fools. I was going to get up early out of bed and tell my mother that it had snowed and that school was canceled (hell, it was worth a shot, right?) So I get up on April 1st and while my mother is in the bathroom, I look out the blinds, thinking about my awesome plan to find that it has been snowing all night long and that school has been canceled. Foiled again. It would have been great if that hadn't happened. Then again, I certainly didn't mind the day off. Having April Fool's off when you are a kid who is bullied frequently is quite wonderful.

Anyway, I'm excited for April (one day more!).

So yesterday...I cut myself four times. I succumbed to the feeling, but I'm hoping I won't again. I think I told you about a story I'm writing called Razor Freak. Well, even though it has no direct relation to my life (except for the cutting), writing it is extremely, because of how I'm writing it. The idea is that this girl, who has no friends, kind of makes her own and she lives so deeply in her own world that things talk to her and this includes the razor, who is always tempting her to make another cut, it's always whispering in her ear. This can be mildly triggering for me to write or read or edit, so I gave into this feeling I've been missing. But I'm sincerely trying to to have this problem again. Baby steps. One day at a time. If I can just make one day at a time, I'll be okay.

What hurts me more, inside, is that I got into an argument with my mother yesterday and she asked me (because she can, apparantly) if I'd cut recently. And I had literally made these cuts an hour before. "No," I said, placing my legs closer together and pushing my bag further up in my lap, so she couldn't even see down to the floor where my feet were.

This is going to be the last. I'm going to try as hard as I can for this to be the last.

I'm doing better, but I could use all the encouragement and silent prayers I can get, my nonexistant followers.

Lizzie Arlen

"I Can Hear Music"

So, I decided to put as my title the song I was listening to, because not much is going on right now. I thought I would do a short blog on what I'm up to really quick, because once again, I'm not really sure how long this connection will last. So, at the moment I'm listening to the Beach Boys, but I think I'm going to change soon.

My friend Julia and I are going to watch movies all day long and just chill. We're definately in a Jane Austin mood because we're watching the last half of Pride and Prejudice first. Then we're watching Hope Floats, Garden State, Gia, Garden state, Chocolat, and Fried Green Tomatoes (one of the best movies ever!).

I'm continuing to work on my writing. Natalie has a new chapter ready for uploading (I'm waiting until next week however.) No new work on Razor Freak, but I've been busy sleeping and driving to the nearest town with a bookstore. That's truly what bothers me about being at my grandparent's house; its a small town with no bookstore. It does at least have a decent library.

I'm going to try and get a bunch of reading done here as well. I want to finish either Great Expectations (Dickens) or Change of Heart (Picoult). I want to start the Dragon Prince sequel (Rawn). But more than anything else I just want to do something productive. I really like Great Expectations, though it is nothing like I thought it was. I was so used to the Wishbone version and while the Wishbone version is great for getting kids hooked on books, they are so loosley based on the original books. Though, I suppose with censoring them and dumbing them down for kids, they do a relatively good job. That show was quite possibly the best thing that happened to me as a kid. Books are cool. Period.

I don't even want to have to tell you how many times I lost the connection in the middle of this blog. It was a ridiculous amount of times, seriously. Several times...blah. The things I go through to write to my nonexistant fan base. See? Appreciate me. I demand it.

Yeah, yeah. I know. No pressure or anything. Well. Have a good day all. I hope you all are well and happy ( I must wish everyone something I can't have--well, its not so much that I can't, its that I don't, but that's another story). Anyway. Go on, I have no more to say for the day.
Lizzie Arlen

It's Been Awhile

Wow, it really has been awhile.
Since the last time I wrote, I have gone halfway through the semester of the last half of my first year in college. I've figured out a new roommate for next year (completely different that my original plan). I've started to narrow down my major (conducting or composing) and I got rid of my writer's block (Natalie has over 100 hits and I'm working on a story called Razor Freak that draws from personal experience, but does not actually come directly from my life. Maybe I'll put some up some time this week)
Since I'm drawing from a random wireless connection, I'm gonna make this short. I felt like writing since I haven't in so long and letting my nonexistent fanbase know that I'm alive. Yeah, I know you missed me, it's very apparant. Like I said, this will be short since I don't know when this could cut out on me.
More soon.
Lizzie Arlen